I'm 32...and AWESOME.

This morning I did a photo shoot of my fabulous self.

I think I'm peaking. I'm HOT. I may not have it all figured out, but I am one smokin' 32 year old goddess. Add to that my incredible wit and intelligence and I am one hell of a package. Go with me here, it's my birthday.

I have accomplished most of my list in some form or fashion, and despite being inconsistent I am still calling it a win. I hope you will join me in my next adventure: http://bornwithoutay.blogspot.com/ It just wouldn't be the same without you.

A brief recap of this little journey, and some thoughts:

1) Keep going to the gym: There is no need. I have bouts of depression, work stress, man trouble and a red wine diet to keep me looking fabulous.

2) Maintain stable frame of mind: I get a medal for this--really, I do. Although I'm starting to think it's overrated and may just go absolutely ape shit on the first day of 33.

3) Keep in touch with family and friends: Doing my best, doing my best. If anything I've realized how much they all mean to me and how lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. Especially the besties, and you know who you are. Thanks to all of you for being there for me.

4) Choose my battles: Admittedly was not very good at this when I started, but became aware of my desire to debate. Now, I think I'm picking too few...somewhere there is balance.

5) Save more money: I blame the economy and am currently waiting for my bailout.

6) Commit to using eye cream: Why? Did I mention I'm hot?

7) Eat healthier: There is absolutely nothing I can say about this--I tried. I failed. I don't smack down a bag a chips and don't really have an affinity for chocolate, so that's good enough in my book.

8) Thus, stop eating out so much: Whatever. Not gonna happen in this lifetime.

9) Potty train Gizmo: I did this, again, with flying colors.

10) Relax: I did learn to let go on some level and it did me a lot of good, really. By nature I feel I may be a little high strung, but they make drugs for that. Besides, keeps life interesting.

11) Explore the possibilities: I don't ever stop doing this. In hindsight it should have been "Explore the possibilities and take action." New goal for 33.

12) Start my book: I did. It is going to be awesome...so long as I can get the people I am completely destroying to sign waivers.

13) Remember everyone's birthday: Facebook made this really easy.

14) Remember everyone's anniversary: This was impossible from the get go, and I have no idea why it was important to me to even attempt this feat.

15) Stop paying for convenience: I ditched my cleaning people, but I can afford to valet my car, ship online buys and pay people to keep their mouths shut. Should be "stop paying for select conveniences".

16) Do my own taxes: Did it, and doing it again.

17) Plant flowers in the springtime: Did it, not doing it this year.

18) Read at least 18 books: It may have done me some good to have a few self-help titles on this list.

19) Cut down on travel for work: Done. Case closed.

20) See a dermatologist: Looking forward to getting my ass slapped again in a few weeks.

21) Find a better dentist: When all was said and done it cost me $1,200 to make this happen. That said, I had a few of the best hours of my life upside down and stupid.

22) Try not to be sick: Someday. I'm holding out for the wonder drug.

23) Have more girl time: Lots of it! I love my girls, they are amazing people--and they are the inspiration for my next adventure.

24) Learn to make a mean vodka sauce: De-lish.

25) Get engaged (or become single): ha. Ha. ha Ha HA HA HA HA! "It's complicated."

26) Master the social networks: Facebook addict.

27) Celebrate my sister's wedding: It was lovely.

28) Have more me time: Too much "me" time can lead to insanity. Living in your head is no fun. But I do know myself REALLY well these days. Courtney, Jancie, Elise, Barbara, Billy. We're all one big happy family.

29) Stop biting my nails: I fell off the wagon a week ago, but I'm getting a manicure today. Give me a week, I'll be golden.

30) Buy a house: Sold a house.

31) Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am: Above all, this I have accomplished. It's about the little things, and appreciating what's happening at this very minute. There is always going to be something bigger, better, newer, richer, and so on...so what does it matter? Appreciate the life you have and be happy with what is right in front of you. What is most difficult for this girl is making other people see this for themselves--I hope someday everyone finds this peace.

Here's to 32!

#31: Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am.

oh where to start? Tis the eve of the list deadline and I am contemplating what exactly should be said at this point. After tomorrow this shall go away, and while it's been fun it's on to less limiting subject matter....more to come.

While I have been successful in many goals I set for myself, I have failed miserably in many others.

Building the list was a means of keeping life in check. In hindsight, the list set some priorities but of course didn't take into account one factor. That would be life. The punches, curve balls, surprises, disappointments, accomplishments and much else that you simply don't count on. It's healthy to set goals, but you must be prepared to not meet them all and adjust along the way.

What I am most fortunate to have found is an outlet. A way to balance the insanity of the past year. I of course never in a million years imagined that 31 would be one of the more trying times in my life, but I suppose it lended to the content.

I know there's a lot inquiring minds want to know. When you you have a blog and everyone knows exactly who you are, you walk a fine line in what can and cannot be said. As a writer, this sucks. Flat out fucking sucks. The words come from your soul, and when you cannot express the content that is your daily life, it can at times become trite.

Case in point: A few nights ago my boyfriend gave me permission to write about him. He most certainly has no idea what that green light means, and I suppose he trusts that I would be careful in the opinions expressed. I'm not sure if he's right yet.

I will not be building a list for 32, but I will be exploring other avenues and I hope you will join me in my journey.

One more day to go. Looking forward to saying goodbye the only way I know possible.

See you tomorrow.

Well...

fuck me. I have one week to get the rest of this list done. How the hell did that happen?

#2: Maintain Stable Frame of Mind

Ah, this one again. I'm still solid (and so not lying) but those around me not so much.

I know a funeral is not supposed to be a comical event, but my experience yesterday was definitely not all tears and sorrow.

I was nervous about seeing my Grandma for the first time since Grandpa's passing, but was pleasantly surprised at her composure. My sister and I drove her to the funeral home, and in the car she casually announced that my Aunt told her she looked like Johnny Cash in her funeral garb. Maybe you had to be there, but hysterical. She sorta did in that black suit--the image of her falling into a burning Ring of Fire was certainly enough to lighten the mood.

Once at the funeral home it was a procession of many relatives and friends I knew, and many I didn't depsite being family. A diagram of a family tree might have been helpful. Maybe we should talk to one another more often. Many of us recognized each another from the rows of pictures my Grandparents keep in the entry way to their home. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you look just like your picture", or "I've watched you grow up through the year's on your Grandmother's shelf". Most conversations began, "yes, I recognize you from the pictures". At least we had that level of connection.

Before the funeral, my sister remarked she was excited to see Crazy Aunt Carol. I never met this woman, but knew it was her the minute she walked in. A strikingly beautiful woman, but with a high top knit hat hiding what I am sure was a Carole Kane (you know, the farily in Scrooged?) head of crazy long gray hair. A word on attire--another aunt showed up looking like a homeless person (no joke) but she is bi-polar so I suppose it's be excused. I asked my father later why everyone thought Carol was crazy--beyond the obvious--and he told me she accused her neighbors of stealing her cats and replacing them with new ones. She also walked from Phillipsburg to Easton one day--if you know anything about the area, it's not a short jaunt. When asked how she became crazy the answer was "tuna fish". May want to limit your tuna sandwich intake.

The service was conducted by a Catholic Priest--with a very heavy hispanic accent. Had my Grandpa been at his own funeral, he would have been asking "WHAT?!" the entire time, which I found amusing to think about. Not to mention, he hated going to church but did it to please my Irish-Catholic Grandmother. When she was asked what denomination he was by the funeral director, her reply, less the excessive explanation, was "he's Catholic but doesn't want to be".

At the cemetary, as the Pall Bearers took out the casket, my uncle casually remarked to the group of them, "ok guys, this is heavy and I'm gonna need your help this time.". Ah, humor.

All was followed by a lovely lunch at a place actually owned by our family and known for hosting Funeral "after parties"...as well as weddings and family reunions. Imagine that. As a result, we are know having a family reunion this summer. Go figure.

The lesson learned is humor can certainly help us cope and keep us from losing our minds. In which case my life is hysterical right now.

#2: Maintain Stable Frame of Mind

I think I am doing this--really. Given the unbelievable soap opera my life has been over the last 48 hours I think that I can DEFINITIVELY say I crossed this bitch off my list. And I should win an Emmy for my performance.

I am right now flying from MDW back to ATL and hanging out in the airport for two hours (despite living, oh, 20 minutes away) before catching my next flight into PHL. Who does that? Thank God I am packing (fun drugs that is).

Looking forward to spilling my every thought about this damn list next week as I approach my deadline.

#8: Thus, stop eating out so much

So, despite coming off a weekend of Thai and Italian restaurant meals, not to mention brunch with biscuits the size of my head (featuring mimosas of course) I can still say that I am supporting this objective of mine. Case in point, a dinner date with my friend Beth.  

Bottle of wine? Check. Main course, side and salad? Check. Lots of fabulous conversation? Absolutely. 

#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

Today, I have a few things to be grateful for, but this post is dedicated to my dear sister Erin, Renee & Shannon. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and given that I can be a very difficult person to love at times, I am very thankful for these people (and many others too, don't get pissy).

These ladies were going to surprise me and spend my birthday weekend in the ATL. Thirty-two would typically be just another birthday, but I have this damn list and a few other life altering events in the works so they were going to ensure I was adhering to #2. How nice.

I was under the impression that my sister was going to come down, and leave her husband at home. I felt guilt about her coming alone to tend to my insanity, and called her to say she should come when the weather was a little nicer and they could both be here. She still wanted to come, but I said no, and she DID NOT tell me that Shannon and Renee had planned on coming too--hence why the husband wasn't attending in my honor. It wasn't until I called her back later that day to tell her to come anyway (I decided to stop being such a selfish bore) which is when she shared the news.

I somehow managed to ruin the only surprise I would have had in my life thus far. Even though it's not going to happen, it's the thought that counts. Really. It's a great birthday present to know they love me, plain and simple.

#5: Save more money

It is MUCH easier to save money when there is more coming in. Seeing as I have busted my behind this year and still will not see a penny for the efforts, saving money has become even more difficult when coupling reduced income with high levels of stress. If only my goals weren't so lofty (and completely unattainable).

On that note, today I did something I NEVER do. My lunch plans were cancelled, so I decided to go and exchange one of my man's Christmas gifts (mine to him, not vice versa). Unfortunatley, I had to walk through the women's section of the store to get to what I needed to accomplish, and of course there were things that caught my eye. Especially with those 70% off signs...I can't do math to save my life (hence advertising), but I know that's a bargain.

So, I found a couple dresses, a sweater and a "blouse"--anyone else hate the fucking word? At the register, the sales girl did her usual pitch about opening a credit card and while I typically ignore it she said "and save $100". What? $100? I'm no dummy...

Note: I have no credit cards. One for emergencies with a zero balance, and my company card. I frequently tell sales people credit is what got us in this economic situation in the first place.

Much to my surprise, I found myself applying (and being accepted) for store credit.

I had SO much guilt. I accosted the sales person, and actually asked her if she was lying to me. She wasn't, and I saved $109.

Now what? I get this card, I pay it, and I cancel it.

If my credit score is reduced by a single point I will cry.

Another List I Like

I'm getting all my lists in now, because 32 won't have it's own--way too much pressure, would rather just count how much I drink.

This one is courtesy of the lovely woman who cares for Gizmo while we humans work our lives away. Good things to remember when dealing with the daily drama of our personal sitcoms.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of six.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants. Eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, or issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep t he NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will these matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but happiness come through your door! 

#11: Explore the Possibilities

They show up in the most random of places and the most unexpected times. According to all of my horoscopes (which I try to ignore but nonetheless read religiously) I am entering a period of great opportunity and deeper connections to life and those around me. In this I shall trust.

I believe in free will, and there have been times in my life when the universe has sent me signs but it was up to me to act upon them. A few times I did, a few times I didn't, and while I can't say I have regrets the occasions when I DID act have proved the right thing to do.

Once such incident occured this weekend during a spontaneous trip to a nearby town. I haven't been slapped that hard in a while.

I am not a liberty to share exactly what was revealed (top secret, some things must remain sacred), but I think it served dual purpose which shall all unfold here in due time. I should not have been there, and I was looking for nothing, yet there it was beating me over the head for three days.

Just a reminder to keep your eyes open everyday.

P.S. 25 days.