#14: Remember Everyone's Anniversary

I haven't done so well, with one exception: Mine. It's today. 5 years. Which feels like such a milestone despite being a blink of the eye in the big picture.

Five years ago today, I drove a U-Haul from North Carolina to Atlanta to start the next chapter of my life. It was also a Friday, and it was also Halloween. I was terrified. The truth of the matter is this relationship started months earlier, but didn't really become "official" until we were living in the same state. I came here on a whim. I had no idea if we would ever amount to anything, and honestly thought once I was here he would want nothing to do with me. I was prepared for it.

But it wasn't the case. Instead, I fell in love. I resisted, played a game with myself, but eventually gave in to my heart and told my head to shut up. Ever since, it's been "us". In five years together we've done more than most people do in a lifetime. We've been blessed.

I've learned a lot about him, and a lot about myself.

He is not what I (and most of the outside world) thought he was (sounds familiar)--and this was a phenomenal realization. My perception before I really knew him is why I didn't trust my heart to love him, but he turned out to be everything to me. He is a contradiction of a human being, in all the right ways--a beautiful blend of character traits and flaws that are not typically found in one person.

He has given me confidence in myself, forced me out of my "box" and shown me there are many possibilities to how you live your life. I learned to love unconditionally and to give without expecting anything in return. I learned that we are very different, but yet the same on the things that matter. It's because of our differences, and the fact that he is everything I am not but would like to be (with a few exceptions, of course) that I love him.

I have also learned that love is not always easy. You have to pick your battles, you have to talk to one another (frequently), you will have to compromise, and you cannot be selfish. Most importantly, I learned that it's easy to lose sight of the person and get wrapped up in the excess of day-to-day of life. Why did I focus on the fact that he was 30 minutes late getting home, instead of the simple fact that he was there, with me?

Some of these things, we haven't been so good at but we're working on it. There is a battle that goes on between men and women. Many people call it love.

I have always know, instinctively, that I would be with this man. I don't believe in soul mates or love at first sight, but I do trust intuition. I also don't believe in fairy tale romance--that's, yet another, crock of shit. Granted, there should be more pleasure than pain, but it's unrealistic to expect bliss just because you love someone. Throughout our time together I've had my doubts, but realized my doubts were fears and not deal breakers. We are all human, we all have faults, and we can't take ourselves so seriously all of the time.

In our five years together, I have never been more certain of one thing.

I don't ever want to live without him.

#3, #12 and #29

A lot to talk about, whew! It's crazy when you find yourself pondering what topic you will discuss next because there are so many. Funny how that doesn't happen with my work blog (which I think they took away from me, but I'm not sure--I keep getting spam posts).

#3: Keeping up with friends and family.
I've talked to a lot of them lately. Ne is coming to visit in two weeks, and after an 1 1/2 hour conversation last night (which ended with a cowboy boot and a cockroach--don't ask) I am looking even more forward to it than I was already. I could jump out of my skin. My sister, Ne, Tray and Shannon within 30 days. This just does not happen.

The most surprising encounter was a chat over Facebook with a former colleague (and friend of course--they all eventually become my friends in this twisted culture, it can't be helped) who gave me a very honest and intelligent perspective on some of the things going on in this little lady's life right now. I hadn't talked to him in months, but damn if he didn't nail it. The best part--he's completely outside, had no prior knowledge of anything, and yet echoed my thoughts and ideas on the matter. Makes me feel like I'm NOT living with my head up my ass and I DO know what I'm talking about. Amen.

#12: Start My Book.
I've written a lot. 78 pages to be exact. 78 and stuck too. So, it occurs to me in the shower this morning that the woman who owns the condo we're renting is the editor-in-chief of a well received Atlanta publication. Oh, what was that? Did I say EDITOR? I think so. EDITOR = PUBLISHING = CONNECTIONS. I dropped the soap. Maybe I can be like Carrie and get a column! And then I'll have my book published, and marry Big, and....wait, not my life. Yet.

#29: Stop Biting My Nails.
Done, for real this time. I find it fascinating that during one of the hardest times in my life I have managed to kick a habit I've had since childhood--typically induced by stress. I am of course 2 steps from a 12-step and started smoking satan sticks pretty regularily, but everyone has their means of coping, and has to have a vice, right? When will mine be sex? That would be a good one that can't get me in too much trouble provided it's with my boyfriend. Wait. Let's rethink that.

So there we have it. All the goings on which is almost too much for me in one day. I'm exhausted.

Xanax and a nap.

#21: Find a better dentist

I did this! I went for my cleaning, then two additional appointments for the dreaded "work" that had to be done. My last one was yesterday and I'm done until March! I am still in pain, like I got in a fight where all they hit was the right side of my face...over, and over, and over...but there were some postitives to this experience:

1) I really like the guy. He's very personable and not nearly as depressed as most dentists.
2) He takes his work seriously--he really digs teeth and making them pretty.
3) There are TVs on the ceiling so you can watch away while they pretend not to hurt you.
4) One word: Nitrous.

So, for three hours yesterday afternoon, I laid back in a chair high on nitrous watching "What Not to Wear" and "My Super Sweet Sixteen" (about my speed after 30 minutes). I am a very difficult patient to numb (I think it's that control thing again) so when I first arrived, I just chilled for 30 minutes sucking in the fun stuff while the novacaine went to work in my mouth.

Really, it's not that bad snd I have a whole new perspective on the dentist. Dare I say I look forward to it? For three hours yesterday, all was right with the world. Of course, when I couldn't drive home and had to sit there for 45 minutes--that wasn't so much fun--but I suppose it's a small price to pay for a breif period of euphoria.

Ahh. The Dentist.

#2: Maintain stable frame of mind

I am failing miserably. This year, I have experienced more mixed emotions and new feelings than I ever have in my lifetime. I would say it's menopause but Jesus Christmas I'm only 31...not yet, please thank you.  Simultaneously I want to cry, scream, laugh, hit, hug, kiss and spit on the closest object to me. What the fuck? I mean really. 

I am usually highly in control of everything in my life, and this year...not so much. This likely explains my state of insanity. The plus is unless people read this blog (which unfortunately you all do, but you've kept your damn mouths shut) you might think I'm completely normal. I'm good at that...maintaining my composure when necessary. Hell, I'm still in my job because it offers that distraction to keep me going. As if they didn't get enough hours out of me already...

However, I did start crying on a conference call today (bad news) but was fortunately able to pass it off as a stuffy nose. People at work don't think I feel--I'm just a bitch. Nonetheless, it scared me. 

It may be hormonal. I did go off certain medications that help to prevent accidental pregnancy (with no intent of getting pregnant, just for the record) that were limiting my ability to wear heels and supposedly screwing up all blood flow and semi-important things like a pumping heart. As my sister said one night with my father and his neighbor at the table "she's over 30". Thanks. Love you too. 

But there's more to it. This year I've reached a crossroads in many aspects of my life. I started writing about it as a motivator, and now I find myself somewhere I never thought I would be. I didn't PLAN on this...that's 90% of the problem. 

I always thought that if your professional life was in order, things would suck on the personal side and vice versa. Guess what? That's a crock a shit, because they both suck and one only went from bad to worse. The good news is, I know what I want. I guess I always have all along it was just a matter of figuring out what was most important. Let's just say I would be happy working with a certain client of mine (who does rock, seriously, and you envy me) until I'm 80 if it would allow me the happiness I seek on the other side. 

Life deals a lot of blows, but I'm learning to duck and fight for what I want, even if it does make me just like every other crazy woman out there (temporarily of course).

Wish me luck. 

Random Article

I LOVE this article. In a nut shell, it speaks to why advertising sometimes fails and why the agency is not always the bad guy. I've been in this job for 10 years, and this is the first time I have seen something written from this perspective.

http://www.adweek.com/aw/content_display/community/columns/other-columns/e3id4724c3e60d478c98efaeb05462c293b

In other news (because this is NOT a work blog), going to the Dentist tomorrow.

Icky. But the nitrous will be fun.

Again, my number one goal...

Isn't  it funny how priorities change? I have 31 of them...some simple, some complex, but the weight of each fluctuates so frequently. Day to day, as the circumstances of "that which I cannot control" determine my future, I realize that life consists of two things: those things I can change, those things I cannot. 

The trouble is, figuring out what falls into each category. 

I'm a firm believer life is about relationships. What are we without each other? Personal, professional, platonic, romantic. I'm thankful for all I have--my family, my friends (even my coworkers) and the fact that I found a man I know is my complete equal. My partner, my best friend, and someone I know I will forever love and always intrigue me.  It didn't happen overnight. First, I fought it. Then I embraced it. Then I got scared of it. Then I took control. Then I wanted it to be something it wasn't. And now, all I want is the man. 

My #1 goal--figure this all out without trying to control everything--relationships, work, family friendships.  

Life doesn't come with a manual. Write your own. 

#1: Keep Going to the Gym

This is kind of hard to do when you cancel your gym membership. Oops.

#5: Save more money

I didn't upgrade the cable, decided to make do with what I had. BUT, I am desperately missing OnDemand and HBO. I did find a solution, however. iTunes and the networks offer many free downloads of shows I watch (or eventually will!) and I can get them all through my computer. I ahve to pay for Entourage but it's $20 a season and that's better than $100 a month.

Then, because I'm wicked smart, I asked the IT guy for the cables I need to hook it all up--and he hooked me up! Saved me about $42 and I can use the TV as a bigger monitor while working from home too.

Yay for me! Did something right today. Nothing is impossible.

#30: Buy a House

Pretty much settled in the new place--not a box in sight, and all the pics hung on the wall. I think I have even discovered how to connect the Mac to the TV so I can watch all my favorite shows and rent movies despite having only "basic" cable. As much as I hate them, I sure do miss Comcast OnDemand. Not a necessity, move along, move along...

I miss my house overall. My new place is great, but it doesn't feel like "mine" and as long as I am renting, it never will. I wish I had just one more morning waking up in my old room and looking out the window down to the neighborhood. One more glass of wine on the deck. One more meal prepared in the kitchen. Part of me feels with everything going on and the last minute change of plans I didn't give it a proper goodbye. That house was the first "home" I truly had since leaving my parents almost 15 years ago. Lots of good memories and I feel as if I left a lot more than a house. 

I suppose this is what life is all about. Change, moving on, moving out. 

This time it's bittersweet. 

#28: Have more me time

I fear I have overachieved this goal. I have so much me time that a dear friend sent me a postcard that said "I know I live in my own little world but they like me here." She meant it. 

When things get tough, I retreat. It's not healthy, but it's how I deal. Unfortunately, I've been dealing a little too long and my head is just spinning with every thought. And my thoughts aren't facts. 

They are possibilities, or scenarios, that ultimately become reality despite being fantasy because I get so wrapped up in them emotionally. Recently, however, those scenarios have all been "best case"--positive. Is it still such a bad thing? We read The Secret for book club--I never finished it but I believe this was the premise--think about what you want and you shall have.

I just hope I don't let myself down. In the meantime, need more plans. 

#3: Keep in touch with family and friends

Last night I found a few people on facebook.

The first was a dear old friend of mine from some of the golden years in life (finally making some dough, no committments, and still establishing a sense of responsibility...ah, the good old days). For a period of almost three years, he was my world. We did everything together and had the best time doing it--regardless of what it happened to be.

During our last years, I met "the one" (and still the same one) who became the final catalyst that ended my previous relationship, and he met his now wife who's expecting a baby--yea! Our friendship ended weird despite how close we were when I moved to the ATL. It sucked, I was resentful for quite some time--you know, the kind that comes out after a couple glasses of wine. How many sentences did I start with "you know what still pissess me off..."

It's been five years (no resentment) and once again I've found him. While it will never be as it was back in the day, it's a great feeling to know that someone you once cared a lot about is making their way successfully and happily in life.

The second person was my college crush. Despite having a boyfriend for 3 of those 4 glorious years, I had a mad crush--along with the rest of Elon, on the same person. He knew it too. I'm happy to report--no butterflies, nothing that was remotely similar to the silliness of a 20-year old girl in lust.

Maybe I've matured. I'll let you know tomorrow after I get too drunk for a Thursday and talk shit with my girls with 9 hours. That's what I call keeping in touch with your friends.

P.S. Bonus! My sister's coming this weekend. I hit friends AND family this week. I might just conquer this list afterall.

#5: Save more money

C'mon, you try doing this when you move into a new place! I needed a new dresser, and a ton of little stuff--waste baskets, a coffee maker, an iron, new shoe storage for the closet, and so on. So far, about $600...for a place I'm renting. Oh it makes me cringe!

The good news is cable is included in the rent--and supposedly HBO. I had trouble finding any channels at first, but fortunately Tracey was here this weekend and somehow knew how to program my TV.

I still can't find HBO and I have no idea how Eric and Ari are making it without me. So, I printed out the list of channels from the cable company. TEN PAGES. I mean seriously, is there really THAT much on TV? Excess. Excess. Excess.

But I still want my HBO. And yes, I will spend more money to get it. I think I will have failed miserably at this item (among several others) this year. Fortunately, I wasn't in such a bad place to begin with, I was just trying to be super perfect--the curse with which I was born.

#9: Potty Train Gizmo

I thought I did this, but apparently he forgot. With the move, Giz has pooped twice and peed twice in la maison since Friday. Maybe I just lost track of time and didn't realize it was time to take him out, but the goal is to get back in the swing of things.

Just as soon as I find my socks and tank tops--all boxes are unpacked, they are no where to be found!

My Apologies...

I can't tell you how many people have rode my ass for not posting in two weeks. I'm here, I'm back, and thank you for all of your smart ass comments on my Facebook page and otherwise. Love you people.

Since my last post I've done two moves (the second happening in oh, two hours), watched my 401(k) go poof, prepped for a big 'ole party this weekend, and planned and started four straight weeks of business travel. I know, I know, no excuse for not blogging--in fact, I may be a little more sane right now if I had taken the time to participate in this release. But instead, I am over the rainbow, toys in the attic, truly gone fishing...I am crazy.

Speaking of, has anyone noticed being "on meds" has become the norm? I had a collegue ask me if I was the other day, and much to his surprise I said no. You would think I told him I don't eat. I also had a dear friend tell me the surefire way to get Xanax from your doctor. Is this the reality of our lives today, or do people just perceive me as being a little off and fully expect that I should be medicated? Or am I just SO even keel despite the upheaval that everyone assumes I am?

The power of positive thought and appreciation of little things keeps me going.

I wonder how Xanax might improve this outlook...