#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

This holiday season is one I am happy to see pass. But I am grateful for having made the decision to come home to my family despite my selfish need to hole up and scream BAH HUMBUG at everyone around me. I posted the below on Facebook on Christmas Eve, and thought I would share it here as well, as I did learn a little something about it all. Happy Holidays--is it 2009 yet?

I'm exhausted. I have had the day of perpetual hours, but in this day lies a story and a revelation most appropriate for this holiday season, sleep be damned.

To say my spirit has been tested and my beliefs about life challenged in this past year is putting it lightly. There is not much I claim to know right now, except that I don't know much at all. Until today.

This morning I found out that my Grandpa was admitted to the hospital with congenital heart failure. His lungs were filling up because his heart couldn't pump hard enough to keep the blood flowing. This had happened once before, but this time things are a bit more serious--and being Christmas Eve, very sad. You see, since my very first holiday I have spent every Christmas Eve with my Grandma and Grandpa Hub with only one exception (with the family of the man I love, which too was truly wonderful). It's rare these days to have such a strong family tradition, but through divorce, new marriage, family feuds and anything else you can think of, we always had Christmas Eve at Grandma's.

What else could we do but pack up and take Christmas to Grandpa?

I expected him to be weak, I expected him to be tired, but I did not expect his sense of humor. Depsite his labored breathing, he joked about what "happens here after midnight", flirting with the nurses, and x-raying his "empty head". Turns out the poor man also fractured his shoulder in a fall the night before. He also told my Grandma that he was certain he was dying.

A bit about my Grandparents...they married in a time when people married not for love but because it was what you were supposed to do. My Grandpa casually asked my Grandma if she wanted to get hitched one day, and that was that for the next 65+ years, for better or worse. I spent a lot of time with them as a child, and lord did they fight---to the point where it became a running joke in our family. I think we can all effectively immitate their typical banter--"Pete Stop it!!" and "God damn it, Marie!". I never would have called it a "loving relationship", depsite the love each of them individually bestowed upon our family.

I have only lost one of my Grandparents--many years ago unexpectedly. Death is something my family lacks of in experience. His illness is not new, but I think many of us refused to acknowledge that his death, like everyone else's, is imminent. With two exceptions--he and my Grandma.

While my Grandfather was the guest of honor, my Grandma was the one to watch. I had known that their relationship had changed over the past few years--he humbled in requiring her constant care, and her needing him, simply, to need her. I heard her tell him she needed him to come home. Beautiful yet heartbreaking, I watched the words unspoken to each other, oblivious to the 12 other people in the room. I saw the tears fill her eyes, the peace and acceptance in his. Standing there slightly embarassed to have witnessed the moment but so deeply touched by what passed between them, I am eternally gratefully to have been paying attention to what I was supposed to see.

At this point, they have stopped talking about my Grandfather coming home, but if and when he does their lives will be forever changed, and it is only a matter of time. Christmas too will now never be the same--the time has come for the tradition to evolve.

But what didn't and won't ever change is this: in the end, with not much else, there is love. Pure and simple. Everything they had ever experienced, his state of mind, their entire lives aside, there was love between them.

It's not complicated. It's simple, beautiful, and it exists in the places you sometimes think are the least likely. Love is a powerful life force that when nothing else matters, does.

And that my friends, is one thing I know to be true.

Another List.

Courtesy of E. Marsland, as she would be livid if I did not credit:

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas> spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave> immediately. Go next door,where they're serving rum> balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating! HELLO!? The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Capiesh

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plateof food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips 1 through 9; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

All these things that I have done

Guess what? This is my 100th post! Ahh...such an occasion. Don't sitcoms get parties or something? Would you not compare my life to a sitcom? A tragicomedramady?

In honor of my achievement, we are going to take a look at my accomplishments (or lack there of) thus far as they relate to the hateful list. Here we go--grab some wine for additional entertainment:

1) Keep Going to the Gym: If once per quarter counts, done.
2) Maintain Stable Frame of Mind: Next...
3) Keep in touch with family and friends: Better than the average year with the exception of the past 2 months which SO do not count.
4) Choose my battles: Failed fucking miserably and am now in the battle of a lifetime.
5) Save more money: Sort of. But it's been a really bad bonus year.
6) Commit to using eye cream: I did, but now I can't afford it.
7) Eat healthier: Red wine, check.
8) Thus stop eating out so much: Not by choice.
9) Potty train Gizmo: Shazaam! Did it!!
10) Relax: That depends on how you define relax?
11) Explore the possibilities: Of what?
12) Start my book: Done, twice.
13) Remember everyone's birthday: Those birthdays I know.
14) Remember everyone's anniversary: This is really, hard. Really.
15) Stop paying for convenience: Oh, valet?
16) Do my own taxes: Yup.
17) Plant flowers in the springtime: Done. God I miss my house.
18) Read at least 18 books: Good as done.
19) Cut down on travel for work: I go nowhere.
20) See a dermatologist: We all know how THAT went down.
21) Find a better dentist: Found good nitrous.
22) Try not to be sick: There must be mold in my house.
23) Have more girl time: At this point, I'm looking for more girls.
24) Learn to make a mean vodka sauce: Finito!
25) Get engaged (or become single): Can I take the fifth?
26) Master the social networks: Mastered SELLING the social networks.
27) Celebrate my sister's wedding: She is officially Mrs. Marsland, even six months later.
28) Have more me time: I think it's time for a little space from myself.
29) Stop biting my nails: Somehow, it happened.
30) Buy a house: Sold a house.
31) Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am: I still have four more sessions.

In general, I may not have accomplished much, but I still have about 45 days and I sure as hell learned a lot about myself.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier.

Soooo...about that holiday party...

Somehow, there are 32 people coming (plus seven kids) and still a few unconfirmed folks that might just pop in. How did this happen? Tis' the cause of consternation (look it up, it's the most appropriate word).

Do not get me wrong, I am very excited about having everyone together for a few hours...I figure people will float in and out so at any given time there may be 20-25. It's just been interesting getting my head around it--as in how much beer cheese do I need? Do they sell sour cream by the barrel? I went to a website that told me I need 15 bottles of wine and 80 beers...that is if people have one glass/beer per hour. Have you met my friends? Thank God a few of them are currently pregnant.

I do however think I have come up with a game plan. Fortunately, I have the space and unbelievably enough seating, a good mix of things to make and things to "fake it bake it", and of course lots of alcohol already at my disposal.

This is going to be fun. Planning it fills my time, I love to entertain, I love my friends, I love Christmas, and I love that I can drink to my heart's content and not have to drive anywhere.

Now THAT'S planning.

#13: Remember Everyone's Birthday

I'm remembering a big one--Jesus. You like the new color scheme in honor of our savior (who has been testing me unmercifully for three months)?

I've always loved Christmas. It is a holiday that is deeply steeped in tradition in my family, despite coming from a divorced home. It wasn't until I began dating my boyfriend and felt like I was somewhat "settled" that I started embracing my own traditions--decorating the house, a tree (real, always), and of course the holiday par-tay! This year's should be tons o' fun. It gets a little bigger and a little better with every year that passes. It's my gift to my friends, and to myself. I like going to parties at my house. I don't have to watch how much I drink.

It also wasn't until a few years ago that I spent my first Christmas away from my family. Thirty-one Christmases, and thus far just one away. This year, I have seriously contemplated spending it by myself. Quite honestly, I just don't feel like celebrating--except for said party, but that's different. I know it sounds really pathetic and sad, but I'm not looking at it that way. I need to get some things in order, do a "self-check"--and what better time to do so then when everyone else is occupied? No hustle and bustle, just quiet contemplation.

It seemed to work for the Waitresses.

#5: Save more money

First, a bit about my day...

I woke up late, again. I never use an alarm because I naturally rise with with morning light, but for two days now I have slept past nine. Doing wonders for my productivity.

Then, I got hit with debris on the way to work, realized I had lost my cell phone and in the process of digging around the floorboards of my car I noticed I had two different shoes on. I just laugh--even re-reading this sentence.

Finally, I dropped the corner of my sweater thingy in the toilet not six minutes ago--AFTER I had yellowed it. I decided it was time to write.

I love today.

I wanted to share a new blog I'm following with all of you--when I say new, I mean today. In previous posts I have expelled wisdom about the situation of our economy, none of which was my own, and now you can go directly to the source: the2urn

The topic? Socioeconomic fodder. So, when you're feeling intellectual or freaking out about the money you no longer have and need a reason why, saunter on over for some observations and potentially advice as to what the hell you should do (if it isn't too late of course).

My two cents for today.

It's Book Club!

Looking forward to an evening with the ladies and lots of the stuff mentioned in my most recent post. We're doing a book swap--everyone brings two books, we pick numbers and go home with new reads...like white elephant, only with usable items. 

Yippee!! 

What Should Have Been on the List

#32: Try not to drink so much. 

Seriously. It's a disease. I know, alcoholism, but not quite in my case. I don't drink during the day (except on holidays, football parties, and the occasional brunch beverage), never while at work (except when working late and when they used to bring in beer) and never to intoxication (except when I've had a really bad day or people are dancing on my couch). 

I know I am not alone in this addiction. I have had several people comment on my ability to kill only ONE bottle of wine by myself, so I know there are worse offenders than I. 

I simply feel incomplete if I'm NOT holding a glass of wine. I blame my boyfriend. 

Tonight, after coming home from the gym where I ran for an hour and did 350 crunches (really, no shit, I won't be able to walk tomorrow), I actually considered a glass of red over a glass of water.

The reason it's not on the list? Because I know I can't do it! 

#1: Keep Going to the Gym

I went last night. It had been a really long time. I enjoyed my 45 minutes of aerobic activity and stomach crunches, but much more the mix on my iPod I had forgotten about--kicking it old school with some Deborah Cox, Dis n' Dat and Black Box. Awesome.

My experience was ruined however when I inquired about cancelling my membership for various reasons I choose not to discuss right now. I had an encounter with a gym employee (read: hideous, slimy male who thinks he's hot because he has biceps) who tried to make it very difficult for me to walk out the door should I so choose to, to the point of almost insulting me. He clearly had no idea how to answer my questions and I of course had my facts straight.

Wrong bitch, wrong place, really bad timing.

I made a scene. A cool, calm and collected scene, but I embarrassed that sub-human monkey into getting me what I wanted and actually apologizing to me.

What really stinks about the whole thing is that I DON'T want to go back--purely on principle--despite knowing I SHOULD.

The dilemmas that haunt my days...