#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

This holiday season is one I am happy to see pass. But I am grateful for having made the decision to come home to my family despite my selfish need to hole up and scream BAH HUMBUG at everyone around me. I posted the below on Facebook on Christmas Eve, and thought I would share it here as well, as I did learn a little something about it all. Happy Holidays--is it 2009 yet?

I'm exhausted. I have had the day of perpetual hours, but in this day lies a story and a revelation most appropriate for this holiday season, sleep be damned.

To say my spirit has been tested and my beliefs about life challenged in this past year is putting it lightly. There is not much I claim to know right now, except that I don't know much at all. Until today.

This morning I found out that my Grandpa was admitted to the hospital with congenital heart failure. His lungs were filling up because his heart couldn't pump hard enough to keep the blood flowing. This had happened once before, but this time things are a bit more serious--and being Christmas Eve, very sad. You see, since my very first holiday I have spent every Christmas Eve with my Grandma and Grandpa Hub with only one exception (with the family of the man I love, which too was truly wonderful). It's rare these days to have such a strong family tradition, but through divorce, new marriage, family feuds and anything else you can think of, we always had Christmas Eve at Grandma's.

What else could we do but pack up and take Christmas to Grandpa?

I expected him to be weak, I expected him to be tired, but I did not expect his sense of humor. Depsite his labored breathing, he joked about what "happens here after midnight", flirting with the nurses, and x-raying his "empty head". Turns out the poor man also fractured his shoulder in a fall the night before. He also told my Grandma that he was certain he was dying.

A bit about my Grandparents...they married in a time when people married not for love but because it was what you were supposed to do. My Grandpa casually asked my Grandma if she wanted to get hitched one day, and that was that for the next 65+ years, for better or worse. I spent a lot of time with them as a child, and lord did they fight---to the point where it became a running joke in our family. I think we can all effectively immitate their typical banter--"Pete Stop it!!" and "God damn it, Marie!". I never would have called it a "loving relationship", depsite the love each of them individually bestowed upon our family.

I have only lost one of my Grandparents--many years ago unexpectedly. Death is something my family lacks of in experience. His illness is not new, but I think many of us refused to acknowledge that his death, like everyone else's, is imminent. With two exceptions--he and my Grandma.

While my Grandfather was the guest of honor, my Grandma was the one to watch. I had known that their relationship had changed over the past few years--he humbled in requiring her constant care, and her needing him, simply, to need her. I heard her tell him she needed him to come home. Beautiful yet heartbreaking, I watched the words unspoken to each other, oblivious to the 12 other people in the room. I saw the tears fill her eyes, the peace and acceptance in his. Standing there slightly embarassed to have witnessed the moment but so deeply touched by what passed between them, I am eternally gratefully to have been paying attention to what I was supposed to see.

At this point, they have stopped talking about my Grandfather coming home, but if and when he does their lives will be forever changed, and it is only a matter of time. Christmas too will now never be the same--the time has come for the tradition to evolve.

But what didn't and won't ever change is this: in the end, with not much else, there is love. Pure and simple. Everything they had ever experienced, his state of mind, their entire lives aside, there was love between them.

It's not complicated. It's simple, beautiful, and it exists in the places you sometimes think are the least likely. Love is a powerful life force that when nothing else matters, does.

And that my friends, is one thing I know to be true.

Another List.

Courtesy of E. Marsland, as she would be livid if I did not credit:

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas> spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave> immediately. Go next door,where they're serving rum> balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating! HELLO!? The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Capiesh

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plateof food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips 1 through 9; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

All these things that I have done

Guess what? This is my 100th post! Ahh...such an occasion. Don't sitcoms get parties or something? Would you not compare my life to a sitcom? A tragicomedramady?

In honor of my achievement, we are going to take a look at my accomplishments (or lack there of) thus far as they relate to the hateful list. Here we go--grab some wine for additional entertainment:

1) Keep Going to the Gym: If once per quarter counts, done.
2) Maintain Stable Frame of Mind: Next...
3) Keep in touch with family and friends: Better than the average year with the exception of the past 2 months which SO do not count.
4) Choose my battles: Failed fucking miserably and am now in the battle of a lifetime.
5) Save more money: Sort of. But it's been a really bad bonus year.
6) Commit to using eye cream: I did, but now I can't afford it.
7) Eat healthier: Red wine, check.
8) Thus stop eating out so much: Not by choice.
9) Potty train Gizmo: Shazaam! Did it!!
10) Relax: That depends on how you define relax?
11) Explore the possibilities: Of what?
12) Start my book: Done, twice.
13) Remember everyone's birthday: Those birthdays I know.
14) Remember everyone's anniversary: This is really, hard. Really.
15) Stop paying for convenience: Oh, valet?
16) Do my own taxes: Yup.
17) Plant flowers in the springtime: Done. God I miss my house.
18) Read at least 18 books: Good as done.
19) Cut down on travel for work: I go nowhere.
20) See a dermatologist: We all know how THAT went down.
21) Find a better dentist: Found good nitrous.
22) Try not to be sick: There must be mold in my house.
23) Have more girl time: At this point, I'm looking for more girls.
24) Learn to make a mean vodka sauce: Finito!
25) Get engaged (or become single): Can I take the fifth?
26) Master the social networks: Mastered SELLING the social networks.
27) Celebrate my sister's wedding: She is officially Mrs. Marsland, even six months later.
28) Have more me time: I think it's time for a little space from myself.
29) Stop biting my nails: Somehow, it happened.
30) Buy a house: Sold a house.
31) Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am: I still have four more sessions.

In general, I may not have accomplished much, but I still have about 45 days and I sure as hell learned a lot about myself.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier.

Soooo...about that holiday party...

Somehow, there are 32 people coming (plus seven kids) and still a few unconfirmed folks that might just pop in. How did this happen? Tis' the cause of consternation (look it up, it's the most appropriate word).

Do not get me wrong, I am very excited about having everyone together for a few hours...I figure people will float in and out so at any given time there may be 20-25. It's just been interesting getting my head around it--as in how much beer cheese do I need? Do they sell sour cream by the barrel? I went to a website that told me I need 15 bottles of wine and 80 beers...that is if people have one glass/beer per hour. Have you met my friends? Thank God a few of them are currently pregnant.

I do however think I have come up with a game plan. Fortunately, I have the space and unbelievably enough seating, a good mix of things to make and things to "fake it bake it", and of course lots of alcohol already at my disposal.

This is going to be fun. Planning it fills my time, I love to entertain, I love my friends, I love Christmas, and I love that I can drink to my heart's content and not have to drive anywhere.

Now THAT'S planning.

#13: Remember Everyone's Birthday

I'm remembering a big one--Jesus. You like the new color scheme in honor of our savior (who has been testing me unmercifully for three months)?

I've always loved Christmas. It is a holiday that is deeply steeped in tradition in my family, despite coming from a divorced home. It wasn't until I began dating my boyfriend and felt like I was somewhat "settled" that I started embracing my own traditions--decorating the house, a tree (real, always), and of course the holiday par-tay! This year's should be tons o' fun. It gets a little bigger and a little better with every year that passes. It's my gift to my friends, and to myself. I like going to parties at my house. I don't have to watch how much I drink.

It also wasn't until a few years ago that I spent my first Christmas away from my family. Thirty-one Christmases, and thus far just one away. This year, I have seriously contemplated spending it by myself. Quite honestly, I just don't feel like celebrating--except for said party, but that's different. I know it sounds really pathetic and sad, but I'm not looking at it that way. I need to get some things in order, do a "self-check"--and what better time to do so then when everyone else is occupied? No hustle and bustle, just quiet contemplation.

It seemed to work for the Waitresses.

#5: Save more money

First, a bit about my day...

I woke up late, again. I never use an alarm because I naturally rise with with morning light, but for two days now I have slept past nine. Doing wonders for my productivity.

Then, I got hit with debris on the way to work, realized I had lost my cell phone and in the process of digging around the floorboards of my car I noticed I had two different shoes on. I just laugh--even re-reading this sentence.

Finally, I dropped the corner of my sweater thingy in the toilet not six minutes ago--AFTER I had yellowed it. I decided it was time to write.

I love today.

I wanted to share a new blog I'm following with all of you--when I say new, I mean today. In previous posts I have expelled wisdom about the situation of our economy, none of which was my own, and now you can go directly to the source: the2urn

The topic? Socioeconomic fodder. So, when you're feeling intellectual or freaking out about the money you no longer have and need a reason why, saunter on over for some observations and potentially advice as to what the hell you should do (if it isn't too late of course).

My two cents for today.

It's Book Club!

Looking forward to an evening with the ladies and lots of the stuff mentioned in my most recent post. We're doing a book swap--everyone brings two books, we pick numbers and go home with new reads...like white elephant, only with usable items. 

Yippee!! 

What Should Have Been on the List

#32: Try not to drink so much. 

Seriously. It's a disease. I know, alcoholism, but not quite in my case. I don't drink during the day (except on holidays, football parties, and the occasional brunch beverage), never while at work (except when working late and when they used to bring in beer) and never to intoxication (except when I've had a really bad day or people are dancing on my couch). 

I know I am not alone in this addiction. I have had several people comment on my ability to kill only ONE bottle of wine by myself, so I know there are worse offenders than I. 

I simply feel incomplete if I'm NOT holding a glass of wine. I blame my boyfriend. 

Tonight, after coming home from the gym where I ran for an hour and did 350 crunches (really, no shit, I won't be able to walk tomorrow), I actually considered a glass of red over a glass of water.

The reason it's not on the list? Because I know I can't do it! 

#1: Keep Going to the Gym

I went last night. It had been a really long time. I enjoyed my 45 minutes of aerobic activity and stomach crunches, but much more the mix on my iPod I had forgotten about--kicking it old school with some Deborah Cox, Dis n' Dat and Black Box. Awesome.

My experience was ruined however when I inquired about cancelling my membership for various reasons I choose not to discuss right now. I had an encounter with a gym employee (read: hideous, slimy male who thinks he's hot because he has biceps) who tried to make it very difficult for me to walk out the door should I so choose to, to the point of almost insulting me. He clearly had no idea how to answer my questions and I of course had my facts straight.

Wrong bitch, wrong place, really bad timing.

I made a scene. A cool, calm and collected scene, but I embarrassed that sub-human monkey into getting me what I wanted and actually apologizing to me.

What really stinks about the whole thing is that I DON'T want to go back--purely on principle--despite knowing I SHOULD.

The dilemmas that haunt my days...

#10: Relax

I took a brief social media and blogosphere hiatus--in an effort to complete #10, relax. 

Abandoning the blog for a week didn't do much for the psyche. I can't tell you how many things flew through my head that I wanted to discuss with my Mac, only to remember I was on hiatus and couldn't. I also discovered this blog is limiting in that content should relate the list--but not everything I want to write does. And what happens once I'm 32? I created something new to worry about while relaxing.

Boycotting Facebook was a whole different story. I think I lost the voices once the urge to spy on my top ten finally subsided, and realized I really don't give a shit if Sue is eating turkey in South Carolina. Not to mention the attention I got in the real world. People actually called me (or texted, still a bit more personal), and used the archaic email tool because I hadn't updated my status...go figure. 

So my little experiment was successful, and given that my head friends seem to have finally left the building (you know, the ones that make all that shit up that just isn't true but they make you think about it anyway?), I might just "maintain" on Facebook for the time being until I have something I really want to say. 

#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

Despite an incident last night that should have kept me buried under a mountain of self pity, I rise like a Phoenix from the ashes (I did go to Elon, you know).

Today is going to be a good day.

Mad Men. Wow. LOVE it. Purchased Season 1 through iTunes, and while it took two days to download it was well worth the wait. If you haven't seen it, do. Centered around the goings on of an ad agency in the 1960's--let's just say that had I entered my field in that era as an Account Executive I would be responsible for handling much more than ads. They are EVIL and I love them all.

Best line: "Love is something we created to sell women like you pantyhose."

Twilight. Another Wow. I, admittedly (depsite two younger siblings, an addicition to the web, and an odd obsession with all things Vampire), knew nothing about this book series. Then, while flipping through my Facebook Flair I came across numerous "I love Edward Cullen", "Edward Cullen's Girlfriend", "Bella is a Whore" buttons. Who the hell are THESE people and have they dominated Facebook? No, they are characters in a story. A vampire love story--and what is sexier that forbidden love? Did I mention these are "young adult" books. Explains a lot about the uber-mini and Ugg phenomenon.

While the movie "Twilight" comes out Friday, I bought the book and I am 200 pages deep. I can't put it down. I considered bringing it to work to read on webinars and conference calls--but that's why I have Facebook. It will be my evening indulgence.

So what I am thankful for?

1) Eyes and ears to watch and read these gems
2) The money to purchase both
3) My Phoenix-esque qualities
4) My super hot tights on my super hot legs today
5) My high opinion of myself

And of course the fingers to make these thoughts public for better or worse.

#31: Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am.

Winning starts today! No pneumonia. Although I was sorta looking forward to possible forced, medicated bed rest--as least for 1 or 2 days.

Since this is not in my future I'm going to put on my smashing new boots and skinny jeans (exploit my weight loss sans gym) to let the world know that I am back after a brief stay up my own ass. I deeply apologize for my lack of humor and abundance of "cuddle me" lately. Coping and not knowing what to do with myself, I talked (ok, cried, whined, prayed) to the internet. Of course some of you will picking me up again once the codeine wears off but for now...

I am fortunate that I have SO many people around me who love me, love to hate me and don't even know they love me yet and for all of them I am thankful.

That, and Flair on Facebook. Oh la la I love it!

Realization

Last week, I went back and re-read my blog from post #1 (yes, was lacking motivation). I realized a few things:

1) I never saw any of this coming
2) I've lost a little of my bitch
3) I became a pathetic, pseudo-philosophic girl (I hate)

So, no more whining. Just winning.

Right after I'm hospitalized at 2:45 for pneumonia. Wish me luck.

# 8: Stop eating out so much

Making soup--two Sunday's in a row. I declare this SOUPER Sunday (loser). 

Last week, I made curried cauliflower soup and it was really, really good. I made enough to feed all of Cobb County, but there is no choice. You can't make soup for one or two, that's called Campbell's.

This Sunday, I'm cranking out tomato and blue cheese. Slightly more complicated, but hopefully worth the wait (and effort, and burning hangnails from tomato acidity). This meal is cheap, which is good considering the "state of the economy".  Speaking of, the economy and my life are currently running parallel, and dancing to that Katy Perry song--not "I kissed a girl". 

So let's eat some soup. Cheap comfort. What more can you ask for?

P.S. Recipe to follow, should it turn out. 

#23: Have more girl time

Gettin' it on! My best girl is coming to town today, and we are going to have a weekend of just us. It will be fabulous to catch up and spend some time together with our own agenda. But first thing's first and that is book club tonight...AND I read the book. How lovely.

Last night I spent some time with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha--technically counts towards my goal. What do you mean they aren't real people?

I watched the movie again and my impression was that it was more contrived than I originally thought and therefore slightly less enjoyable (like a bad hair day, not a dumped at the alter kind of day). Did I mention my boyfriend went with me the first time? I'm not sure what I gave him, but I am certain it was something because he seemed to enjoy it. As for me and my second time, there was a certain comfort in it but I realized I HATE the soundtrack--tacky and distracting.

I did take away three new observations. Some sage advice, "it's not logic it's love"--as well as a future Facebook status update that I refuse to share right now.

And the third? I find it disgusting how much I draw parallels with a television character. Like I've said, shamefully more than once--I'm going to publish my book, marry my Big (in the suit the first time, however), and have my ever after.

I will just never, ever, ever live in NYC or wear a bird in my hair.

The Prolific Blogger

That's me--just ask L.

Yes, I have been rather diligent about posting lately. This is what happens when you have TOO MUCH F*!@&$* time on your hands. It is a fantabulous place to channel the energy, but it's short lived. It's true, I am writing a book. But I don't know the ending...makes it hard to put it in context chapter after chapter. Not to mention I refuse to cheat and consult the Magic 8 Ball because I like what it told me months ago and I do not want a different answer.

How else to fill my time? I spend a ridiculous number of minutes each day cataloging and dissecting random observations. Hence, why you hear from me so much. I could write a list (there we go again with the insanity!) nine miles long of the things I pondered just this morning, and despite putting in a FULL work day, not one of them is related to recruitment advertising.

Like, is Sarah Palin really considering running for President in 2012--and does anyone else NOT think that's absurd media hype?

Why did Bravo choose to highlight THOSE Atlanta housewives...damn it's embarrassing, but "Low Budget Bitch" is definitely the catch phrase of the week.

When men say they need Freedom...is that her name?

Isn't life just funny--funny ha ha and funny un't un.

Not exactly the most intelligent observations, but there are much more mundane things to consider. Like how the hell I am ever going to learn all the NEW channels now that the XMSirius marriage is complete. I want my Lucy!!!!

Tomorrow it's back to my list (to keep my reputation of being prolific--I just like the word).

#7: Eat Healthier

If you judge by my intake of red wine alone, then I am certainly healthy because I get a lot of it. Last night, I tipped an entire bottle in 4 hours--on average that's a glass an hour so I wasn't chugging, but a whole bottle? On a Monday? Then I had onion dip for dinner.

Nice.

At least I actually ate something. That's new this week.

#18: Read at least 18 books

Admittedly, I wasn't doing so good here. I'm in a book club (that's really a wine club) and for the first three years I ALWAYS read the book. I started the book club because I had no friends--really--when I first moved to the ATL. Over the years it has grown and it's a nice little mix of the ladies from all facets of my life. It's the event I look most forward to each month.

This year, I've been pretty bad about actually reading the book. But I am now making up for lost time and DEVOURING novels for sustenance--must be the cold weather, candles and a fireplace. I am going to attempt to list the books I read this year--most of which I recommend, and if I don't I'll let you know that too:

1) Lisey's Story--Stephen King (not usually a King fan, but a damn good book. I may re-read it)
2) Cowboys Are My Weakness (eh, so so)
3) Peony in Love--Lisa See
4) Basic Black--Kathy Black (I just don't ever want to be her)
5) In the Woods--Tanya French
6) Bitter is the New Black--Jen Lancaster (loved, loved, loved--mindless and hysterical)
7) Pillars of the Earth--Ken Follet (this technically counts as three because it's huge)
8) The Good Mother, Sue Miller (almost slit my wrists)
9) Bel Canto--Ann Patchett
10) The Thirteenth Tale--Diane Setterfield (reading now, and loving it)

There could be the stray novel (or self-help book) I omitted, but this is my progress thus far. I have three months to read 8 more books--thank God for the holidays.

I tried reading some Eckhart Tolle, and I just couldn't get into it. I also tried reading The Shack, and I think I'll start it again if I should ever find it--bad timing, but supposedly inspirational. Should you have recommendations of books I should pick up in the quest to meet my goal, I am all ears (or eyes, in this case).

Otherwise, I've been reading Facebook and there's certainly a lot to learn there.

#25: Get Engaged (or become single)

The question I have been asking myself a lot lately is why? Get married that is. If 50% of marriages end in divorce and anyone who is married will tell you "don't", why bother with all the heartache and trouble? 

I think I have found the answer--and trust me--I have many, many (many, many, many) reasons not to believe in marriage. I feel it is the ultimate expression of love for another person. A lifelong commitment, bound through all of the good and bad that life delivers, and a love that will manifest itself in many different ways through the years you are together. 

I've had my share of relationships--elation, heartache, passion, longing, need, lust, validation, for all the wrong reasons, experimentation, plain old stupidity and finally because it was right. Two has always been better than one.

There is no defining moment of being ready or 100% certainty that you have found the "one". But one day, you look at the person across the table, lying next to you in bed, or coming up those stairs, and you know that in some way despite all the other faults, they compliment and complete you.

Someday, as an old married woman I hope to enjoy the tender loyalty that awaits the lucky on other side of passion. 

There I said it. Now don't pigeon hole me to the "mommy track". 

#5: Save more money

Seeing as I am not spending much money on eating out these days (yay! #8) I found it fully justified that I recently expanded my collection of designer jeans. I'm not sure when it became acceptable to spend $200 on casual fashion, but I'm there and obsessed. I don't like to shop--really--but I am a sucker for a great pair of jeans. Even more than shoes and bags.

A little boutique, Hand in Pocket, that caters to the denim delights opened near my house and I checked it out today. I walked out with yet another pair of Paige (they are so kind to my bum) and a pair of skinny jeans! Skinny Jeans! Really! 

I avoided them like the plague, not thinking I could EVER pull that off (can we say chicken legs with a man gut?). However, my recent weight loss (14 LB's and counting, and not. even. trying.) apparently has given me the perfect body type to wear this frightening fashion trend. And the girls working there, oh they were so all over it that I could not NOT buy these jeans. I'm in sales, and yes, I fell for the pitch. 

I also picked up some more Michael Stars...one size fits most. Most, ladies. Most. 

For 1 hour, I was the hottest chic in denim in the great state of Georgia, and it's worth my $345 bucks, no question. Lord knows I need that little boost to the good 'ole self esteem right now. 

Now let's go test them out. 

#29: Stop biting my nails

As you know, I did this and they are beauts. French manicured and my own--never thought I'd see this day. As you also know, I've wondered how I have been able to grow them given the level of stress and chaos in my life and last night, I got my answer.

I had dinner with a dear friend of mine who always has a highly insightful observation or rock solid piece of advice to offer--seriously, she should consider a new career path.

The answer: control.

Growing my nails is the one thing I can control right now. While all my structure, routines, plans, dreams and paths are scattered in front of me, the fate of my nails is something I determine--to bite, or not to bite. THAT was insighful.

Not only because of my nails (wow, that sounds silly and shallow), but it made me realize how little control I have over my destiny at this moment, and that doesn't fly well with this diva. I'm not a "sit tight" kind of gal but circumstances have forced me to be. I need decisions, outcomes, plans and paths to feel right in the world. This is not to say I'm not a go with the flow girl in my day-to-day life, that I can be--yes, I can hop a plane to Vegas on whim or get hammered on a Sunday before a big meeting. But in general, there has to be some grand plan, or dream.

Right now, I have beautiful nails.

Not even sure what to call this.

I have two brain cells fighting it out for power, and I have to stop ever thirty seconds to look away from the computer while I write this--I am blessed that many meetings were cancelled today and that the one I did have were with people feeling just like me--missing the a-game today. I can't be perfect all the time, damn it.

Even Facebook is complicated.

I'm waiting to stand up and fall en route to my boss' office for my final meeting of the day. Oh the drama. Then I could be "that girl who fainted".

Again, there are better things to be remembered for in life.

#22: Try Not to be Sick

I just can't help myself, but YES this topic goes on. Last night's experience was ri-dic-u-lous. So of course I'm sharing, and maybe oversharing but so be it.

I had a lovely, quiet election night and knew by 10:15 that Obama would be our next President (and I refrain from comment on my opinion of that outcome). So, I went to bed. Or tried to. For the next 4 hours, I had to pee--constantly. But I was so drugged up on Nyquil that I didn't really understand that it was not normal. At 2:03am, I emerged from my Nyquil fog and it came to me--UTI.

Now, if you have ever had one of these, you know exactly how much insanity they can bring to your life. Besides being painful, they are EXTREMELY frustrating. I can't imagine what being pregnant is like with that baby pressing on your bladder constantly, but I'm guessing it's a close comparison (minus the burning--ok, too far, I know).

So, I proceeded to pull all of my meds from last year's lovely experience (that was the whole hospitilization episode) and take two of each. It wasn't until after I swallowed that I thought about how these meds may interact with the Nyquil and Sudafed already in my system, but it seemed logical in the middle of the night.

Needless to say I passed out. I woke this morning, and here is the moral of my story:

I called the doctor, and when asked the reason for my requested appointment, the answer was:
"I think I have a UTI, and I'm still not over the head and chest thing, and my back has started hurting and I think it may be anxiety."

Pause. Pause. Pause. "Are you still there?"

"Yes, when would you like to come in?"

It was then I realized my doctor must think I am a paranoid hypocondriac. I SWEAR, I am not. Hell, why have health insurance if you aren't going to take advantage of it.

Fix me, please!!!

#22: Try Not to be Sick

Ugh, I wish I could control this. I am the most disgusting human being right now. I did manage to rest for almost an entire day (and consume a whole lot of daytime TV) which is so not my style. I thought, take the time to get healthy and you will not prolong your illness. But I woke this morning feeling much the same way as yesterday, but with increased back pain.

But I did (stand up that is) and shower, take the dog to daycare, and vote. I even dragged myself into the office all coked up and loopy to try and get some stuff done. Should I have taken a second day? Maybe. But the truth is, I had an incident last year where I was in the HOSPITAL and people were still calling me as if I were out grabbing a bite. I would have to die for it to stop (and I'd probably still get email for a week or two). It really doesn't matter where I am.

In the back of mind I am wondering if this is tied to my dental work. I'm supposed to be pre-medicated before I have any work done, and I wasn't last week. Two years ago, my uncle had a serious health scare that they could not identify. They ultimately linked it to dental work he had done that created an infection in his blood stream. He too has a heart problem. It's not that I'm opposed to pre-medication it's just that I didn't have the time--and apparently the rules changed as to when a patient has to pre-medicate based on the work being done, so I assumed it applied to me.

If this is in any way, shape or form related to my dental work, I shall never hear the end of it. Although a couple days in the hospital on a morphine drip doesn't sound so bad right now.

Of course if I die, I'll be remembered as the "girl that didn't take her pre-med", and I'd much rather be remembered for other fine qualities, like being a critical bitch. Yes, absolutely.

#31: Understand and embrace how fortunate I really am.

I was blessed to have a beautiful weekend with my man and my dog. And that's all you're going to get out of me today because I'm busy writing my book. Yes, my book. Did I mention my landlord is an editor. I have exactly 10 months to knock this out. 

#14: Remember Everyone's Anniversary

I haven't done so well, with one exception: Mine. It's today. 5 years. Which feels like such a milestone despite being a blink of the eye in the big picture.

Five years ago today, I drove a U-Haul from North Carolina to Atlanta to start the next chapter of my life. It was also a Friday, and it was also Halloween. I was terrified. The truth of the matter is this relationship started months earlier, but didn't really become "official" until we were living in the same state. I came here on a whim. I had no idea if we would ever amount to anything, and honestly thought once I was here he would want nothing to do with me. I was prepared for it.

But it wasn't the case. Instead, I fell in love. I resisted, played a game with myself, but eventually gave in to my heart and told my head to shut up. Ever since, it's been "us". In five years together we've done more than most people do in a lifetime. We've been blessed.

I've learned a lot about him, and a lot about myself.

He is not what I (and most of the outside world) thought he was (sounds familiar)--and this was a phenomenal realization. My perception before I really knew him is why I didn't trust my heart to love him, but he turned out to be everything to me. He is a contradiction of a human being, in all the right ways--a beautiful blend of character traits and flaws that are not typically found in one person.

He has given me confidence in myself, forced me out of my "box" and shown me there are many possibilities to how you live your life. I learned to love unconditionally and to give without expecting anything in return. I learned that we are very different, but yet the same on the things that matter. It's because of our differences, and the fact that he is everything I am not but would like to be (with a few exceptions, of course) that I love him.

I have also learned that love is not always easy. You have to pick your battles, you have to talk to one another (frequently), you will have to compromise, and you cannot be selfish. Most importantly, I learned that it's easy to lose sight of the person and get wrapped up in the excess of day-to-day of life. Why did I focus on the fact that he was 30 minutes late getting home, instead of the simple fact that he was there, with me?

Some of these things, we haven't been so good at but we're working on it. There is a battle that goes on between men and women. Many people call it love.

I have always know, instinctively, that I would be with this man. I don't believe in soul mates or love at first sight, but I do trust intuition. I also don't believe in fairy tale romance--that's, yet another, crock of shit. Granted, there should be more pleasure than pain, but it's unrealistic to expect bliss just because you love someone. Throughout our time together I've had my doubts, but realized my doubts were fears and not deal breakers. We are all human, we all have faults, and we can't take ourselves so seriously all of the time.

In our five years together, I have never been more certain of one thing.

I don't ever want to live without him.

#3, #12 and #29

A lot to talk about, whew! It's crazy when you find yourself pondering what topic you will discuss next because there are so many. Funny how that doesn't happen with my work blog (which I think they took away from me, but I'm not sure--I keep getting spam posts).

#3: Keeping up with friends and family.
I've talked to a lot of them lately. Ne is coming to visit in two weeks, and after an 1 1/2 hour conversation last night (which ended with a cowboy boot and a cockroach--don't ask) I am looking even more forward to it than I was already. I could jump out of my skin. My sister, Ne, Tray and Shannon within 30 days. This just does not happen.

The most surprising encounter was a chat over Facebook with a former colleague (and friend of course--they all eventually become my friends in this twisted culture, it can't be helped) who gave me a very honest and intelligent perspective on some of the things going on in this little lady's life right now. I hadn't talked to him in months, but damn if he didn't nail it. The best part--he's completely outside, had no prior knowledge of anything, and yet echoed my thoughts and ideas on the matter. Makes me feel like I'm NOT living with my head up my ass and I DO know what I'm talking about. Amen.

#12: Start My Book.
I've written a lot. 78 pages to be exact. 78 and stuck too. So, it occurs to me in the shower this morning that the woman who owns the condo we're renting is the editor-in-chief of a well received Atlanta publication. Oh, what was that? Did I say EDITOR? I think so. EDITOR = PUBLISHING = CONNECTIONS. I dropped the soap. Maybe I can be like Carrie and get a column! And then I'll have my book published, and marry Big, and....wait, not my life. Yet.

#29: Stop Biting My Nails.
Done, for real this time. I find it fascinating that during one of the hardest times in my life I have managed to kick a habit I've had since childhood--typically induced by stress. I am of course 2 steps from a 12-step and started smoking satan sticks pretty regularily, but everyone has their means of coping, and has to have a vice, right? When will mine be sex? That would be a good one that can't get me in too much trouble provided it's with my boyfriend. Wait. Let's rethink that.

So there we have it. All the goings on which is almost too much for me in one day. I'm exhausted.

Xanax and a nap.

#21: Find a better dentist

I did this! I went for my cleaning, then two additional appointments for the dreaded "work" that had to be done. My last one was yesterday and I'm done until March! I am still in pain, like I got in a fight where all they hit was the right side of my face...over, and over, and over...but there were some postitives to this experience:

1) I really like the guy. He's very personable and not nearly as depressed as most dentists.
2) He takes his work seriously--he really digs teeth and making them pretty.
3) There are TVs on the ceiling so you can watch away while they pretend not to hurt you.
4) One word: Nitrous.

So, for three hours yesterday afternoon, I laid back in a chair high on nitrous watching "What Not to Wear" and "My Super Sweet Sixteen" (about my speed after 30 minutes). I am a very difficult patient to numb (I think it's that control thing again) so when I first arrived, I just chilled for 30 minutes sucking in the fun stuff while the novacaine went to work in my mouth.

Really, it's not that bad snd I have a whole new perspective on the dentist. Dare I say I look forward to it? For three hours yesterday, all was right with the world. Of course, when I couldn't drive home and had to sit there for 45 minutes--that wasn't so much fun--but I suppose it's a small price to pay for a breif period of euphoria.

Ahh. The Dentist.

#2: Maintain stable frame of mind

I am failing miserably. This year, I have experienced more mixed emotions and new feelings than I ever have in my lifetime. I would say it's menopause but Jesus Christmas I'm only 31...not yet, please thank you.  Simultaneously I want to cry, scream, laugh, hit, hug, kiss and spit on the closest object to me. What the fuck? I mean really. 

I am usually highly in control of everything in my life, and this year...not so much. This likely explains my state of insanity. The plus is unless people read this blog (which unfortunately you all do, but you've kept your damn mouths shut) you might think I'm completely normal. I'm good at that...maintaining my composure when necessary. Hell, I'm still in my job because it offers that distraction to keep me going. As if they didn't get enough hours out of me already...

However, I did start crying on a conference call today (bad news) but was fortunately able to pass it off as a stuffy nose. People at work don't think I feel--I'm just a bitch. Nonetheless, it scared me. 

It may be hormonal. I did go off certain medications that help to prevent accidental pregnancy (with no intent of getting pregnant, just for the record) that were limiting my ability to wear heels and supposedly screwing up all blood flow and semi-important things like a pumping heart. As my sister said one night with my father and his neighbor at the table "she's over 30". Thanks. Love you too. 

But there's more to it. This year I've reached a crossroads in many aspects of my life. I started writing about it as a motivator, and now I find myself somewhere I never thought I would be. I didn't PLAN on this...that's 90% of the problem. 

I always thought that if your professional life was in order, things would suck on the personal side and vice versa. Guess what? That's a crock a shit, because they both suck and one only went from bad to worse. The good news is, I know what I want. I guess I always have all along it was just a matter of figuring out what was most important. Let's just say I would be happy working with a certain client of mine (who does rock, seriously, and you envy me) until I'm 80 if it would allow me the happiness I seek on the other side. 

Life deals a lot of blows, but I'm learning to duck and fight for what I want, even if it does make me just like every other crazy woman out there (temporarily of course).

Wish me luck. 

Random Article

I LOVE this article. In a nut shell, it speaks to why advertising sometimes fails and why the agency is not always the bad guy. I've been in this job for 10 years, and this is the first time I have seen something written from this perspective.

http://www.adweek.com/aw/content_display/community/columns/other-columns/e3id4724c3e60d478c98efaeb05462c293b

In other news (because this is NOT a work blog), going to the Dentist tomorrow.

Icky. But the nitrous will be fun.

Again, my number one goal...

Isn't  it funny how priorities change? I have 31 of them...some simple, some complex, but the weight of each fluctuates so frequently. Day to day, as the circumstances of "that which I cannot control" determine my future, I realize that life consists of two things: those things I can change, those things I cannot. 

The trouble is, figuring out what falls into each category. 

I'm a firm believer life is about relationships. What are we without each other? Personal, professional, platonic, romantic. I'm thankful for all I have--my family, my friends (even my coworkers) and the fact that I found a man I know is my complete equal. My partner, my best friend, and someone I know I will forever love and always intrigue me.  It didn't happen overnight. First, I fought it. Then I embraced it. Then I got scared of it. Then I took control. Then I wanted it to be something it wasn't. And now, all I want is the man. 

My #1 goal--figure this all out without trying to control everything--relationships, work, family friendships.  

Life doesn't come with a manual. Write your own. 

#1: Keep Going to the Gym

This is kind of hard to do when you cancel your gym membership. Oops.

#5: Save more money

I didn't upgrade the cable, decided to make do with what I had. BUT, I am desperately missing OnDemand and HBO. I did find a solution, however. iTunes and the networks offer many free downloads of shows I watch (or eventually will!) and I can get them all through my computer. I ahve to pay for Entourage but it's $20 a season and that's better than $100 a month.

Then, because I'm wicked smart, I asked the IT guy for the cables I need to hook it all up--and he hooked me up! Saved me about $42 and I can use the TV as a bigger monitor while working from home too.

Yay for me! Did something right today. Nothing is impossible.

#30: Buy a House

Pretty much settled in the new place--not a box in sight, and all the pics hung on the wall. I think I have even discovered how to connect the Mac to the TV so I can watch all my favorite shows and rent movies despite having only "basic" cable. As much as I hate them, I sure do miss Comcast OnDemand. Not a necessity, move along, move along...

I miss my house overall. My new place is great, but it doesn't feel like "mine" and as long as I am renting, it never will. I wish I had just one more morning waking up in my old room and looking out the window down to the neighborhood. One more glass of wine on the deck. One more meal prepared in the kitchen. Part of me feels with everything going on and the last minute change of plans I didn't give it a proper goodbye. That house was the first "home" I truly had since leaving my parents almost 15 years ago. Lots of good memories and I feel as if I left a lot more than a house. 

I suppose this is what life is all about. Change, moving on, moving out. 

This time it's bittersweet. 

#28: Have more me time

I fear I have overachieved this goal. I have so much me time that a dear friend sent me a postcard that said "I know I live in my own little world but they like me here." She meant it. 

When things get tough, I retreat. It's not healthy, but it's how I deal. Unfortunately, I've been dealing a little too long and my head is just spinning with every thought. And my thoughts aren't facts. 

They are possibilities, or scenarios, that ultimately become reality despite being fantasy because I get so wrapped up in them emotionally. Recently, however, those scenarios have all been "best case"--positive. Is it still such a bad thing? We read The Secret for book club--I never finished it but I believe this was the premise--think about what you want and you shall have.

I just hope I don't let myself down. In the meantime, need more plans. 

#3: Keep in touch with family and friends

Last night I found a few people on facebook.

The first was a dear old friend of mine from some of the golden years in life (finally making some dough, no committments, and still establishing a sense of responsibility...ah, the good old days). For a period of almost three years, he was my world. We did everything together and had the best time doing it--regardless of what it happened to be.

During our last years, I met "the one" (and still the same one) who became the final catalyst that ended my previous relationship, and he met his now wife who's expecting a baby--yea! Our friendship ended weird despite how close we were when I moved to the ATL. It sucked, I was resentful for quite some time--you know, the kind that comes out after a couple glasses of wine. How many sentences did I start with "you know what still pissess me off..."

It's been five years (no resentment) and once again I've found him. While it will never be as it was back in the day, it's a great feeling to know that someone you once cared a lot about is making their way successfully and happily in life.

The second person was my college crush. Despite having a boyfriend for 3 of those 4 glorious years, I had a mad crush--along with the rest of Elon, on the same person. He knew it too. I'm happy to report--no butterflies, nothing that was remotely similar to the silliness of a 20-year old girl in lust.

Maybe I've matured. I'll let you know tomorrow after I get too drunk for a Thursday and talk shit with my girls with 9 hours. That's what I call keeping in touch with your friends.

P.S. Bonus! My sister's coming this weekend. I hit friends AND family this week. I might just conquer this list afterall.

#5: Save more money

C'mon, you try doing this when you move into a new place! I needed a new dresser, and a ton of little stuff--waste baskets, a coffee maker, an iron, new shoe storage for the closet, and so on. So far, about $600...for a place I'm renting. Oh it makes me cringe!

The good news is cable is included in the rent--and supposedly HBO. I had trouble finding any channels at first, but fortunately Tracey was here this weekend and somehow knew how to program my TV.

I still can't find HBO and I have no idea how Eric and Ari are making it without me. So, I printed out the list of channels from the cable company. TEN PAGES. I mean seriously, is there really THAT much on TV? Excess. Excess. Excess.

But I still want my HBO. And yes, I will spend more money to get it. I think I will have failed miserably at this item (among several others) this year. Fortunately, I wasn't in such a bad place to begin with, I was just trying to be super perfect--the curse with which I was born.

#9: Potty Train Gizmo

I thought I did this, but apparently he forgot. With the move, Giz has pooped twice and peed twice in la maison since Friday. Maybe I just lost track of time and didn't realize it was time to take him out, but the goal is to get back in the swing of things.

Just as soon as I find my socks and tank tops--all boxes are unpacked, they are no where to be found!

My Apologies...

I can't tell you how many people have rode my ass for not posting in two weeks. I'm here, I'm back, and thank you for all of your smart ass comments on my Facebook page and otherwise. Love you people.

Since my last post I've done two moves (the second happening in oh, two hours), watched my 401(k) go poof, prepped for a big 'ole party this weekend, and planned and started four straight weeks of business travel. I know, I know, no excuse for not blogging--in fact, I may be a little more sane right now if I had taken the time to participate in this release. But instead, I am over the rainbow, toys in the attic, truly gone fishing...I am crazy.

Speaking of, has anyone noticed being "on meds" has become the norm? I had a collegue ask me if I was the other day, and much to his surprise I said no. You would think I told him I don't eat. I also had a dear friend tell me the surefire way to get Xanax from your doctor. Is this the reality of our lives today, or do people just perceive me as being a little off and fully expect that I should be medicated? Or am I just SO even keel despite the upheaval that everyone assumes I am?

The power of positive thought and appreciation of little things keeps me going.

I wonder how Xanax might improve this outlook...

P.S.

I'm friends with a rock star on Facebook--no joke! Can you figure out who it is? Oh, and she's (hint!) friends will Lauren "LC" Conrad. I'm so in with hollywood.

#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

When it rains, it pours. But despite it all, you still have to find something to be thankful for every day.

Today, I am thankful that I have a full tank of gas. I feel like I outsmarted the rest of Atanta by finidng a not so high trafficked gas station that a) still had gas, b) let you fill up, and c) let you pay at the pump like in the old days. Of course it took me 20 minutes to fill my tank but at least it's full (along with an additional 5 gallon container "just in case").

While not directly related to my gas issue, I have a few comments on the speech our President gave last night, as they both relate to the state of our society.

"The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold. More banks could fail, including some in your community. The stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account. The value of your home could plummet. Foreclosures would rise dramatically."

A well-studied scholar on this topic helped interpret this speech. The fact of the matter is that these things are going to happen to some degree regardless. There has to be a fundamental shift in society and the way our economy operates for it to be "fixed". American's are the "I want more consumer" regardless of what is fiscally responsible. A correction needs to occur to make things right.

It has to do with the dollar being backed by trust and our GDP alone, and the fact that our GDP will decline. I understand it sort of, but could use a few more hours of tutorial. The bottom line is I believe it.

But don't be sad. Look at this as an opportunity. These don't have to be hard times for everyone with a little preparation. Sell your Lexus, bury your money, and go get a job in healthcare while you're at it. Do it quietly so as not to instill panic.

And be thankful that you got this advice before it was too late.

The #1 Thing I Want to Do Before 32

Understand why this world is so hard and how to get through it with as little pain as possible. Do we make it that way, or is it naturally our cross to bear as part of the human race? 

My life could not be more upside down right now and there are moments I wonder if I'm going to make it. I know I will, and everybody has been there, but right now--as in this minute--it just seems so unbearable--committing myself seems like a really good option. I could get used to bad food if it offers me a little sanity in the end.

I suppose I was due. Not that I have lived a super charmed life, but things have always seemed to work out. Believe it or not, I'm an optimist. Unfortunately it's because of this that I am in the situation I am now. 

I'm not ready to talk to about it, and don't know that I will be for some time. But I needed to do something, and for some reason talking to the internet seemed like the best damn option. I suppose because it's always there for me, doesn't talk back, and has never taken advantage of me (that PayPal scam doesn't count, I figured it out).

I don't even feel like a glass of wine. That tells me something. I did smoke a cig, and it just made me want to vomit. 

#5: Save more money

No thanks to Lehman Brothers and my own damn bank, this just became a little more difficult.

Fortunately, my boyfriend is a freakin' economic GENIUS who reads A LOT and told me this was coming over a year ago. People said he was crazy (self included), but who's crazy now? He's so damn smart and little bit freaky in a Nostradamus sort-of way. Now watch as I surround myself with his brilliance, despite fighting him for the sake of fighting in previous months (I suck.)

I have taken and ignored advice from him and over time made the following moves:

1) I moved a lot of 401(K) dollars to safer investments
2) I bought some gold
3) I didn't buy a house 6 months ago

Anybody see gold today? I'm RICH (well, not really, but it is nice to actually MAKE some money from the stock market). And, I'm going to get a whole hell of a lot more house and maybe still have some money to live on when I retire.

Take heed people. The worst is yet to come, and I will sure as shit listen every time this time.

That'll be 15% please.

P.S. About your votes

Thanks for voting, and please consider this new information. Yes, I really would make a decision based on what you people tell me to do. I need a tie breaker! 

#30: Buy a House

I sense the fight of my life coming on. I know, I know...the plan was to wait the market out and buy when those prices come down. But damn it, I think I've found everything I want in a home. And it's for sale now. Not to mention the price just dropped another $30K (suppose this is what happens when you aren't looking at "starter homes" any longer). 

It is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I'm going to put the picture of the open air porch where you can join me for breakfast...look, you see?

Oh, and what's that? A two-story sun room with a ridiculously awesome backyard? Gizmo would love poopin' there. 

Living in one of the most temperate cities, I could be the freakin' QUEEN of outdoor parties. Oh hells yes. 

And I have a down payment favor coming my way...not that I can't afford it. I would never be so stupid as to buy a home I could not afford, but apparently many of Freddie and Fannie's customers were--down with the government and their stupid bail out plan! I do not pay for other's mistakes. Tangent, sorry. But, my sister DID have a luxury vehicle of a wedding, which I likely will not see. Ever. So let's decrease the amount of my monthly mortgage, shall we? 

The reason I love this house (sight unseen in person I might add but Google street view is pretty awesome) is because it has character. It's in an established Atlanta neighborhood, close to all things great, including Jesus Junction should I suddenly discover I have a need to go to church every Sunday. 

I hate the whole "let's build a neighborhood and try and fool you by mixing up some house plans".  In my opinion, sub-divisions are the Maserati version of modular homes. I know, I know, it's the American way, but I just do not want to see my kitchen when I visit my neighbors.  I hope I did not offend you. 

Finding these types of homes in my price range IN TOWN in Atlanta was just unheard of before the economy fell apart. I feel like this is my opportunity to seize the day. I want it, I want it, I want it. 

Should I sacrifice the ring for the house? I seriously think I could do that. 

#30: Buy a House

First, I made some great Chipotle Tacos with the left over Chipotle chicken from yesterday--I love when food works twice for you. 

Anyway...I'm not buying a house, but I did sell a house. According to the contract we close October 3rd. It of course is not completely done yet, but looks like it might really be happening and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. 

This place has been home for almost 4 years. It's the first "home" I've really had as an adult, and we put heart and soul into making it ours. Which is probably WHY it sold. We have "designer flare", and made wise choices about the colors of our walls and how our furniture is positioned. I like terra cotta and it gave us more seating room. Functional AND pretty. I should start my staging business now. 

I will especially miss the neighborhood. I have made some great friends, and there is nothing better than taking Gizmo for a walk and knowing most everyone you encounter. It's been great not having to drive because we hung out on our deck and drank wine, and it's been comforting knowing that should anything happen while away someone is bound to call us (or scale our deck and close a door that blew open--as one neighbor did shortly after we moved in).

The question is where do we go from here. We seem to have different opinions as to what comes next. Lake house, rent or buy. 

Vote now, and enjoy a homemade dinner at whichever place I end up. 

About that vodka sauce...

nailed it! Oh yea. I was angry...stupid argument with my boyfriend fueled the fire to finally create a vodka sauce I will actually eat. As he said, " I should piss you off more often." I certainly do not advise this tactic for fear of loss of manhood, but I did get a great sauce out of it. 

I so do not believe in "kitchen secrets", so I'm going to share mine with you--there is a little weirdness, trust me, it's good. And very worth the calories, of which there are many requiring a really long walk with the dog after dinner.

Courtney's Vodka Sauce (finally)

Prep time: 3 minutes

Cook time: About an hour

Ingredients: (Please note, my measurements are approximate. I do not measure, I pinch)

1/2 white onion

2 cloves garlic

1/4 cup light butter, plus 1-2 additional teaspoons

1/2 cup vodka

1 28oz can crushed tomatoes

1 cup heavy cream

5 strips of microwaved bacon, crumbled (trust me)

2 teaspoons of sugar (tempers the tomato acidity)

1 tsp. dried oregano

1 tsp. fresh basil

1/2 tsp salt

Red pepper flakes to taste

Salt & fresh black pepper to taste

Freshly shredded Parmesan, to top it off (DO NOT buy the grated crap)

Melt the butter and saute the onions & garlic until soft. Add vodka, and simmer about 10 minutes. Add crushed tomatoes, bacon, sugar, oregano, and basil, and heat on medium-low about 20 minutes. Add the cream, and simmer another 20 minutes--occasionally swirling in additional butter as needed (gives it a really creamy and ridiculously good flavor as well as helps to thicken). When ready to serve, sprinkle with red pepper flakes, salt & pepper, and little freshly shredded Parmesan. Delicious.

I served this with the "little flowers", or more formally Campanelle pasta, and a mixed green salad topped with wasabi peas and a mix of honey dijon and balsamic vinaigrette. 

It was a rock star meal. Tonight I made a chipotle chicken that was also totally awesome, fueled by the stress of selling our house today. Yep, here we go! 

Enjoy!

#24: Learn to Make a Mean Vodka Sauce

I'm going to attempt this tonight. I will scan numerous recipes for the right combination of ingredients to make this my own. And damn it, I will not be disappointed. 

While I am by no means a phenom in the kitchen, I can throw a few things together--very good things. This vodka sauce however, plagues me. I blame a restaurant called "Daniel's" in Apex North Carolina. Their tortellini and vodka sauce was to DIE for, and I, despite my best efforts, cannot replicate it. And nothing come close to comparing. 

I also have difficulty recreating Mexican and Indian food. On that front, I'm done trying. It's cheaper for me to simply eat out than to waste cardamon seed and chipotle chilis on every attempt.

Off I go to find the secret ingredient.

#11: Explore the Possibilities

Have the signs ever been all around you? To the point where you feel like they are SCREAMING at you, and for one reason or another you don't listen? The sound is deafening in my ears, I'm so there, right now, this instant--yet still a little scared of what they tell me.

Over the past few months, ever since I started taking my life dreams seriously (hmm...bi-product of this blog, I think so) I've noticed little things--horoscopes, comments on my blog, seemingly unrelated conversations with friends, random people I've met--all guiding me toward the answers I am looking for. It's strange the way in which this world works, so I frequently ask myself if I am creating these "signs" or if they do truly exist. 

I still don't know the answer, but I do understand the way I FEEL when I think of the possibilities. And my gut is telling me that only with great risk comes great reward. Ok, little dramatic, admittedly. 

However, there have been only two other times in my life when I have felt with such strong conviction that the decisions I made were foreshadowed and spot on. The first was packing up everything I have ever known to attend a little known college in the South I had never visited nor knew ANYTHING about (that accepted me in June, nonetheless--um, talk about no planning). It turned out to be the first best decision I ever made. 

The second was on a Delta flight from Raleigh to Atlanta--I woke up upon landing, looked out the window and for some reason just KNEW I would be living in Atlanta before October. I moved October 31, 2003 (no joke, ask Shannon). It turned out to be the second best decision I ever made. 

Third time's a charm. 

#28: Have more me time

I had some serious "me time" last week. Facial (all good except for the extraction--ouch), mani/pedi, lots o' book reading, and a little shopping at the local budget-conscious H&M.

As part of me time, I also read magazines, particularly when in the massage chair at ProNails. I have a subscription to Self magazine, and thankfully it's free because I seriously hate it. It's the same magazine month after month, just packaged a little differently. Tone your abs (insert: legs, butt, arms)! Lose that last 10 pounds (insert: 8, 15, 20)! You get the idea...

In any event, this month's issue was called the "List Issue". 20-some odd lists to get your life in order. I, of course, found this of specific interest being that my entire life currently revolves around a list of 32 things to do. This article literally spelled out how to create lists that are realistic to help you meet your goals. 

You know I'm a big fan of lists, however, I did not realize there was an art form to it. I'm beginning to think I missed my calling.

Little Things

OMG, blog cardinal sin--no posts for a two weeks! Been wrapped up in "other" things...you know, life.  So many things have happened over the past few weeks. Anecdotal at best, but interesting nonetheless. In two weeks I have learned: 

1) I can take my family in small doses, or one on one (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) 

2) The FAA needs a serious technology update

3) My male hormones are through the roof (so they poked me some more, not on Facebook)

4) I could get used to not having to work

5) I really dig my dog

On my three day hiatus from work to do nothing, I learned how the other half of life lives--i.e. the soccer moms, elderly and unemployed. 

The greatest experience I had was grocery shopping at two in the afternoon. I go to Publix--it's more expensive, but the people there are nice. They are living and breathing their brand. Kroger just infuriates me--the cashiers don't even look at you (too busy talking to the career bag boys, soon to be baby daddy). I digress...

Turns out the local Senior Living Center does their grocery shopping on Thursday afternoons. Every aisle I turned down had a little man or lady meandering through overwhelming choices of processed food--none of which they recognized. When I checked out, a chatty little lady was in front of me, telling me how it used to cost $25 to feed a family of four, and now her weekly grocery bill was $49 for one. I fell in love with her. 

When she walked away, the bagger told me she was 97 years old. She had a ton of spunk--must've been the Jersey in her. I then proceeded to have a conversation with him about the great state of New Jersey and my excellent choice in beer--totally meaningless--but the point is he talked to me. And when I left, he thanked me for my conversation. THANKED ME. Imagine that.

I left the store with a big smile on my face--the combination of people who come from simpler times, and people who actually give a shit if you enjoy your grocery shopping experience. It's the little things that make this life worth living. 

And that's my story for today. Little things.  

#11: Explore the Possibilities

Aquarius Horoscope for August 19, 2008:

If you have recently been through a dark period or one of profound change, now it's time to lighten up and look toward the possibilities ahead. Fortunately, you have learned enough to be able to maintain an even keel as you navigate through new currents. Don't be afraid to extend your goals far into the distance. Look out beyond the horizon and set your course

#27: Celebrate my sisters wedding

I did this in May. However, since purchasing my new Mac (do I talk about this too much?) I have developed one video--using real, raw footage to which I did my own editing--and one slideshow of pics I had from the wedding. Check 'em out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mlDteIVsIk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc43y1vUoOI&feature=user

I should not quit my day job--at least to become a video editor--but I am nonetheless PROUD of my efforts and can only expect I'll get better with experience.

A word on communication.

Communication is key in every single aspect of life. 

Life is not about how much money you have, whether or not you have pets, what kind of  house you live in, what food you like, or what you do in your spare time. These things all have impact on your quality of life but when it comes down to basic fundamentals,  it's about communication--with people.  

Words are extremely powerful, both spoken and written. Many people do not choose their words correctly, or simply don't have any at all. Both can be extremely detrimental to relationships. 

I am guilty of the former--I have, on very few occasions, said something inappropriate or used the wrong tone (translation = harsh) and ended up in a pickle. There has never been a time when I've been at a loss for what to say. Except to my boyfriend, and that's typically because I am repeating myself for the 10th or 11th time and I simply grow...tired.  

He on the other hand is guilty of the latter. And not just in regard to questions about "our future". BASIC shit is a challenge. I understand he's in his head and all that genius stuff, but c'mon. The issue seems to be in knowing which thoughts to vocalize.

My point being, if I was a mind reader (hey, Mel Gibson did it), and he could operate me like a DVR (record, fast forward, rewind, mute) we'd be in a great place.

I'm sure there are plenty of other couples that could benefit from this arrangement as well.

#1: Keep Going to the Gym

I didn't exactly hit the gym last night, but me and my little family (man, dog...hmmm) went to the Polo grounds near our house for an evening walk. I've lived here 5 years, and never knew this beautiful place existed. It's a horse farm with a full size polo field, and they were finishing up a match as we approached--Thursdays and Saturdays, who knew?

Beautiful dirt roads meandering through sunset shaded countryside, which opens to the Chattahoochee I might add. It was absolutely gorgeous--and so peaceful. Gizmo had the opportunity to run free which he does not get often (which also afforded the opportunity to eat A LOT of grass), and had his first encounter with really big dogs known as horses--which intrigued him until my boyfriend picked him up and put him face to face--shaking like junkie in withdrawal. We humans got some much needed exercise as well.

Being there I forgot about all the things that plague me in life, and for one brief hour on this evening, it was quiet in my mind.

And it did not include the use of wine, haldol, xanax (a paladrome by the way), or vicodin to induce this state of relaxation.

Killed #1 AND #10. I'm flying through this list.

Random Thought

A conversation between me and the Magic 8 Ball, as I search for answers for the life path to pursue. Depserate measures call for desperate actions.

Me: "Should I quit my job?"

Magic 8 Ball: "Yes"

Me: "Today?"

Magic 8 Ball: "My sources say 'No'"

Me: "In the next few months?"

Magic 8 Ball: "Definitely"

Me: "Will INSERTNAMEHERE & I get married?"

Magic 8 Ball: "Yes"

Me: "Soon?"

Magic 8 Ball: "No Way!"

Me: "Next year?"

Magic 8 Ball: "Yes"

The real question is whether or not I should let the Magic 8 Ball dictate my future. I am however afraid to ask that question of my animated friend.

#11: Explore the Possibilities.

I will share with you just a tiny excerpt from a letter to my new hero, Jen Lancaster. Thanks for turning me on to her LS--she has inspired me greatly.

"I live in high regard of the fear my own “Fletch” has instilled me about the inevitable second coming of the depression (and thus, potential layoffs). As a result, I have become more conservative in my purchases and activities, and am realizing that this money and Stuart Weitzman are not all that important in the grand scheme of life. Yes, some of our friends think we’ve truly lost it, but I SWEAR we’re normal martini guzzling real folk—one vice I refuse to give up, even if I eventually have to steal really cheap vodka from homeless people. "

"Now that I am no longer frequenting fine eating establishments or hitting Michigan Ave. & Market St. on business trips, I find I have more time on my hands and have started writing again."

"I too have the dream of becoming a writer—from my piss poor short stories in college (about me) to my current blog (about me), writing has always been my release, my passion, and the reason I continue to meet the sun each morning. I even bought a Mac this year on a whim that I may actually gain the confidence to quit my job (thus losing my computer—Mac justified), give this dream a go and stop telling myself I am simply not good enough (because really, when have I ever NOT been good enough?)"

"I shamelessly teared up and got all fuzzy and tingly inside when I finished your book, despite odd looks from my Corporate Raider First Class seat mates. It was truly inspiring. "

And this my friends, is why it is time. Rock on soul sister.

#19: Cut down on travel for work

As I sit in LA...

Anywhoo--great trip. I don't mind coming here so much (that is SF and LA). These cities inspire me with perfect weather (albeit a little cold for August) and the fact that they are just so different from home.

I like the people here too. I experienced the first and only time a MAN will ever come to my rescue with a ponytail holder--which he happened to have in his briefcase, courtesy of his 10-year old daughter.

I like drinking here too. I do a lot of it. The wine is JUST so good.

So are the mojitos and martinis.

#31: Understand and appreciate how fortunate I really am

I am not the only one with this goal. Check out Tut--it's an inspiration (thank you Kellie!).

http://www.tut.com/siteindex.shtml

I took the "Oath" and in doing so am accomplishing #31.

Which is a good thing--seeing as I had no idea how I would ever quantify achieving this pursuit.

#23: Have more girl time

About to get it on with the ladies at book club. It will be nice to catch up with the girls, although I am certainly dreading the relationship conversation--because I have no idea what to tell them seeing as I don't even know myself.  Funny place to be in after 5 years.

I'm hoping to laugh a lot, enjoy some good food (went totally healthy for this one), and good company. No crying tonight, as 13 bottles of wine tends to do to women. I remember one night my dear friend Tracey and I, sitting in my beater apartment (I don't think I'd live there today given the choice) drinking FOUR, yes FOUR bottles between us and crying like little babies. We were most likely partaking in other activities as well (you know, kayaking) but that was a good night. 

Wish Tray were at book club too. Of course, then it would be boob club.

Tootle-ooo, friends.   

#11: Explore the Possibilities

Yep, about sums up my day thus far.

#10: Relax

I'm not really sure what alternate universe I was in when I added this line item to the list. As a text book "Type A" relaxing is not something that comes easily or is done often in my real life. I am always doing SOMETHING.

For example, even while watching TV I am eyeing up my house and wondering if moving the tin vase a little to the left will make a difference in the balance of the room. Then I get up and move it, and start all over again with some other object.

I get this from my father, this I know. The man does not sit still. "Painting" and "landscaping" seem to be tasks forever on his to do list.

I am currently planning another vacation at the end of August to try my best and decompress. I'm not going anywhere, except to a business planning meeting on Monday & Tuesday because that's what I do on vacation (i.e. work). Wednesday through Friday I am going to spa and pool it, and spend some quality time on my new project. Hopefully with my new Mac.

I will say that I have become less "intense" about things in general. I'm realizing what I can control, and what I can't. The answer is absolutely nothing. It's more about perceived control, so I try not let lack of perfection eat at me. If I don't get the laundry done on Sunday, I just don't. The world will not stop because I wear a white bra with a black shirt.

Thus far, my progress on "Relax".

#25: Get Engaged (or become single)

Random Thought

I have the best title for my book. Today was a successful day.

#25: Get Engaged (or become single)

Until recently, I thought I was a little further along this path. Unfortunately, not only am I not any closer to being engaged, but I'm not really sure my boyfriend even likes me all that much. It took me setting a deadline--not an utlimatum--to get some idea of where this relationship was going to get this out of him, but apparently, there are some big issues with me.

All along I thought he was simply scared (ok, really, totally, completely fucking scared) of marriage. While I still think there's some of that "fear" thing to it--and not just to make myself feel better--he's obviously more adverse to marrying me. Specifically.

Who wouldn't be? I can be a total pain in the ass. I'm strong, highly opinionated and organized to a fault. I'm also moody and a master debater (not "masterbater", although potentially in my future). I'm seriously type A, can be very critical (i.e. bitch) and tend to misdirect my anger frequently. Bottom line: I'm a woman.

But, I'm also a very caring, and always give more than I take. I'm a good cook, I don't nag, I sacrifice and compromise, and I'm financially independent. I've let him get by with the very bare minimum of flowers, fine dinners and romantic surprises, and have been very supportive--with a man as creative and unrestrained as he is, this can be a real challenge. In short: I have loved him unconditionally.

With exactly six months left until the dreaded 32, I find myself in a quandary.

eHarmony or Match.com?

God forbid. Pray for me.

P.S.

I added AdSense to my blog (I mean, I am in advertising, right?) and I totally love that contextual ads...thank you Google...for Galapagos Islands Tours are currently appearing.

I wonder what my most recent post will deliver.

#22: Try Not to be Sick

Dude. Really. Please. Make. It. Stop.

Not exactly the weight loss plan I was looking for, but ridiculously effective. In one hole, out the other for about a week now. For the love of fiber enough is enough. At this point even sitting is a luxury of the past. My 5 hour plane ride to the farthest place in the continental United States from Atlanta was NOT fun for reasons I will refrain from explaining.

I will never complain another day about the constipation that typically plagues me. Yes, I know I should go to the doctor, but given my recent track record with medical professionals (see previous posts) I am quite scared my nipples will be tweaked and I shall be diagnosed as bi-polar.

Time's up, gotta run (again).

#15: Stop Paying for Convenience

I am working from home today, somewhat unplanned due to my body's inability to process food. I'm obviously not motivated to get much done (certainly busy, but it can wait for my 5 hour plane ride tomorrow), thus a pretty open agenda.

Nonetheless, my dog sitter will be arriving in about an hour to play with and walk Gizmo for me.

I am so pathetic.

#2: Maintain Stable Frame of Mind

This one is giong to be tricky. Seeing as everything I thought I knew turned out to be wrong in ever facet of my life, I have a strong feeling meds will be required to keep the mind functioning, let alone stable.

"Job" and "Home/Family" take up 99% of everyone's life. The law of averages tells me that when things suck at work, they are usually good at home. And when they suck at home, they are usually good at work.

Who's Law is it when they both suck?

#5: Save more money

It's almost become a game for me. Just like trying to "best" my time out of the airport to home after each flight. Loser. I know.

This weekend I spent $90. But I gained $85 returning used snorkel equipment--yes I really did. Technically, I spent $5.

I went to Target and my total bill of sale came to $42. $42?! I can't remember the last time I went to Target and spent less than $100. I should get a plaque (or maybe a Lucite square) for not buying seasonal hand towels, smelly good candles, or make-up I'll never use...or yet another $10 t-shirt.

In general, I've been very good about saving money on the day-to-day things:

1) Buying generic for the things that don't matter
2) Bringing my lunch
3) Inexpensive dinners out (think Chipotle versus Nuevo Laredo--it's hard, damn it!)
4) Giving the dog baths at home
5) Limiting the dry cleaning
6) Re-purposing numerous household items--think
7) Getting rid of the HD box (not yet, but only because we can't get Comcast to actually show up)
8) Moving dollars from every paycheck to savings
9) Shopping at the outlets for things I need (and I do truly need them! Especially since I was told I can't wear heels anymore)
10) Making my own coffee every morning

By far my most lucrative savings program isn't really a savings program at all. Bank of America was kind enough to round up all my purchases to the nearest dollar, and take the difference and deposit it into my savings account. I spend money to save money but it looks good on paper--like my last relationship. $9.98 cents this month--that's half a pedicure! And, I have saved $639 in total since I started.

These are minor, but they add up. Problem is, I can still be ridiculous. Like $350 worth of outdoor gear for this recent trip to Galapagos. I'll use the NorthFace jacket and the Nike tees, but I can't see the Keen water or rock shoes coming in handy walking Gizmo around the the extreme dog path in the neighborhood.

I told myself I'd take up hiking.

#28: Have more me time

I have just returned from 10 days of "me" time.

Sort of.

I was very fortunate to be part of a family trip (16 of us!) to the Galapagos Islands--not a destination many people have the opportunity to visit. We toured the islands sailing on a trimaran (for you non-boaters that's a catamaran with three hulls). Yes, I am very aware at how privileged I was to have this opportunity.

It's not often you come face to face with a 500 lb land tortoise. And I can't remember the last time I had the opportunity to swim beside a penguin as it dove to the ocean depths. Of course I can't forget the sea lions! Oh the sea lions! Basking on rocks and waddling their way up to you--such magnificent creatures. It is a very magical place--although more populated on a few islands than most people may think. The island of Santa Cruz has a little town no different than the shopping districts of the Caribbean, albeit much cleaner and adjacent to a National Park. It was amazing. Truly amazing.

When I first found out we would be taking this trip, I had visions of sailing on the ocean and viewing wildlife on the beaches from a far. Basking in the sun, sipping cocktails, and reading a book with the pleasant background music of sea lion conversation completing the experience.

What I did not anticipate was an eco-adventure with daily excursions including 7am wake-up calls, hikes harder than my weekly work outs, and nightly lectures about the wildlife, flora and fauna. Apparently, you must have a guide with you to visit many of the islands in the Galapagos. We had Whitman. The "endemic" Galapagos guide. At first, I felt like I was reliving third grade science--before the Discovery channel was "cool". Eventually, the 7am wake up calls got easier and I couldn't fathom not going on the excursion for fear I would miss a blue-footed boobie doing the mating dance. I even came to look forward to Whitman's lectures, if only to understand how long our next navigation would be.

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."

The navigations. I am referring to the distances we had to sail between islands to reach our next destination. I don't think any of us realized how many miles we would have to travel, or that the Pacific is a mighty force in the "windy" season (should have picked up on this, no?) below the equator. Side to side, up and down, crash, bang, broken glasses--with a crew that didn't speak English. A fucking rubber ducky in jacuzzi. We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Needless to say, I was certain we would die every night. Sleep was not something we got much of. All that rocking made me have to pee more than a pregnant lady--getting to the bathroom was one thing, but I'd like to see you try and sit on a toilet that goes vertical ever three minutes while water from the ocean shoots up through the toilet/sink/shower combination floor drain and sprays you in the face.

I unbelievably never got sea sick (thanks to my friends Bomine, Triptone, patches and Advil PM), but I am still wobbling as I write this.

Despite the above described activity, the trip was an absolute delight. Really. What made it all the more enjoyable is the whole family had an excellent attitude and made the best of the situation--from the matriarch and patriarch to the young ins, no one complained and kept the perspective that this was a ONCE IN A LIFETIME experience. And it was. Truly.

This video speaks volumes about the experience. A baby sea lion, a day--maybe even hours--old, being protected by it's mama as we looked on. Unbelievable.

Given the hell I have come back to, I'll gladly get back on that bucket of bolts and even sit in the bathroom during navigations.

#31: Understand and embrace how FORTUNATE I really am.

It all makes sense now.

My mom emailed me the other day after reading this blog, telling me she hopes I don't think I'm unfortunate. It perplexed me a little, as my intent with #31 is to appreciate MORE of this life than I already do--and I am probably light years ahead of most people with whom I share this planet.

Oops. My bad. On the list featured on this blog, I did incorrectly list #31 as "unfortunate"...therefore reading..."understand and embrace how unfortunate I really am."

Rest assured, not breakin' out the razor blades this year. I'm not trying to understand how bad I have it (although my OBGYN may tell you differently--see yesterday's post).

I sometimes just can't type. Or maybe it was a Freudian slip?

#22: Try not to be sick

I am forever a woman of stupid medical issues. For months now, I have been exhausted, had numbness in my calves, pain in my back and ridiculous headaches and post nasal drip. A lovely myriad of symptoms. Staying true to myself, I have not yet seen a doctor about any of it, but have indeed self diagnosed.

It's my birth control pill causing my problems, I told myself--especially the leg thing (how many times did I wake up in a cold sweat thinking "OMG, blood clot!"). So I went off it. Smart thing to do when you aren't married.

Today I had the inevitable "annual exam". When the doctor asked how I have been over the past--oh, year--I did share some of my symptoms, and told her I was working on getting to the doctor. After I explained everything I had been experiencing, she told me the following:

"You are depressed, but I'll send you to a rheumatologist just in case. Don't be offended if they tell you its depression--we're seeing a lot of joint pain linked to depression, and really it's the best diagnosis to have because it's easiest to treat."

She then told me I could no longer wear high heels (further adding to aforementioned depression).

#1: I'm depressed because I have poor circulation?
#2: Since WHEN is depression easy to treat? H-e-l-l-o Zoloft, Paxil, Welbutrin, Lexapro, and of course the infamous Prozac. I mean FOR REAL?
#3: Why the hell can't I wear high heels?

Needless to say, I'm going to see my Russian family practitioner on Tuesday morning for a second opinion and treatment of vodka sprinkled with pepper. And I now have to find a new OBGYN and dermatologist.

So much for trying not to be sick.